A religious spokesman of the Sarawak government today rejected the view of the Obedient Wives' Club that husbands stray mainly because their spouses have failed to keep them sexually satisfied.
State Assistant Minister in the Chief Minister's Office Datuk Daud Abdul Rahman said that a marriage could suffer for many reasons.
"Blaming the performance of wives in the bedroom is totally unfair," he told reporters after chairing a meeting on the national Quran recital competition to be held here from June 13 to 17.
"No need for OWC to be here because (here we believe that) marriage is a collective responsibility and not up to certain individuals," Daud added.
Daud was commenting on a statement by OWC international vice-president Dr Rohaya Mohamed on Saturday that a wife must obey and serve her husband like "a first-class prostitute.
Another celebrity has been discovered engaged in unsavory sexual behavior. This time it's U.S. Representative Anthony Weiner. In recent memory, it's been Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tiger Woods, John Edwards and more. Not long ago, it was a president nearly impeached. The question should not be: Why do they do it? They question should be: Why do we engage in sexual behaviors that are painful, unsatisfying, risky or humiliating, and how can we help ourselves and others achieve the well-being and wholeness that will render such behaviors obsolete?
First, let's be honest. Many act stunned that famous men take such perilous actions. Having worked hard all their lives to achieve a certain level of skill or stature, why would prominent men be compelled to risk it all with behaviors almost certain to be revealed, behaviors that we condemn? While that's an interesting question, isn't it more significant that so many are condemning celebrities for behaving in ways considered more acceptable when practiced by ordinary folk? Take any group of people, for example, and ask them privately: Have you had an affair? Have you lied to your spouse? Have you ever had an "illegitimate" child? Have you engaged in online sexual activity or phone sex? Have you hired prostitutes or strippers privately or in business environments? Have you used pornography or peep shows? Have you ever masturbated in risky situations?
As a counselor for 30 years, I am very familiar with the sexual behaviors of men and women, and more often than we like to admit, the behavior we engage in is considered "unsavory." Many married men are having sex with women who aren't their wives, and many women are having sex with these men, most often with their full knowledge of the man's marital status. Married women do the same. Someone is buying all those sex magazines and videos, and someone is posing for them. Someone is using the online sex sites. Someone is consuming child pornography. Someone is faking orgasm (or grinning and bearing it, hoping that it will soon be over).
Who are the people doing these behaviors? It's us. So why are we so shocked to discover our "leaders" doing the same thing?
How little loved and fulfilled we must feel. How confused we must be by sex drives that seem to have their own energy. How out-of-control we must feel when our drives and pain trump our common sense. How much guilt we must suffer because we know what we are doing will hurt ourselves and others. Why do we engage in these practices?
Because we are empty inside and are trying to fill ourselves up.
Whether we are consuming sugar, drugs, power, people, things or sex, we are addicted to the "fix," and what we are attempting to fix is ourselves and our lack of wholeness. Infidelity is often a fix for the pain of un-fulfilling relationships; the use of pornography and prostitution, for feeling unwanted; the abuse of children, for feeling powerless and unable to function successfully in a relationship of equality. Masturbation or unconscious sex within relationships is often a fix for feelings of anxiety and emptiness.
Let us stop condemning others and let us start understanding -- not just others, but ourselves. What do we need in order to free ourselves from addictive sexual behaviors? How can we develop the wholeness and well-being that allow us to be in relationships of love and connection, or to live in peace with ourselves if we have no partners? How do we change our relationship to sex itself?
Here's a way: By experiencing ourselves as two whole beings having a sacred union with one another; experiencing ourselves as one whole being having a sacred union with ourselves. Many of us have settled for less, but we don't need to. We can:
• Connect our sexuality with our spirituality • Dedicate ourselves to being honest and open in our relationships, so that we can experience true intimacy and trust.
Sexuality binds on the physical plane what is already bound on the spiritual plane. So these planes must be integrated in order for us to have healthy, satisfying and blissful sexual experiences with ourselves or one another. In our intimate relationships, we crave oneness, and integrating our sexuality and spirituality allows us to achieve that.
In addition, we need trust. The key to deeply fulfilling sexual relating is relaxation, and for this to be present, our relationship to ourselves and our partners must be fully intimate, honest and open. Each of us must know that our most tender feelings will be respected, that we are not being used, and that we don't need to be hurt to please.
When I was a young woman, I engaged in promiscuous behavior. I got drunk and looked for love in the all the wrong places. Because of this experience, I know the pain and desperation that underlies what we judge as "unsavory" sexual behaviors.
But suppose we could, in fact, have love? Suppose we were in relationships in which we felt intimate and safe? Suppose we could love ourselves when we were unpartnered? Suppose we could overcome the feelings of desperation, loneliness and rejection that often accompany being alone? Suppose we were willing to leave relationships that weren't working, instead of hanging in there for comfort or security, while "stepping out" for excitement, affection or satisfaction? Suppose we were willing to become fully vulnerable, accountable and willing to heal our psychological wounds, in order to be available for relating? Suppose we were, therefore, capable of co-creating partnerships supporting deeper levels of closeness? Suppose our partners were available, too, for this kind of relating? Would we be skulking around the Internet, looked for illusions? Would we roughly touch ourselves in the dark in an effort to relieve ourselves from the aching pain of aloneness? Would we be drinking, or smoking marijuana or using drugs to "make love?"
When I see people like John Edwards, my heart cries for both him and his deceased wife. What was the pain in him that drove him to infidelity? What was the pain inside my former husband, who did the same to me? Why are we so judgmental? Why, instead, are we not compassionate? If we are to end the behaviors that we condemn, we need to be honest about ourselves and support one another to heal. Otherwise, we just judge ourselves and one another, and nothing changes.
Let's get beyond shame and hidden pathology. Let's have compassion and start looking for solutions to the distortion of our sexuality. Let's get the help we need to heal, and let's get beyond the separation of sex and spirituality. We all need to experience the sacredness of every aspect of our lives. We all need to free ourselves to love. And we all need to support one another when we stray from that goal.
Let's stop acting shocked, and let's get shocked into action.
The whole Altantuya episode has taken a new twist after French investigators revealed that a third person had travelled with Razak Baginda and the sultry Mongolian translator during their trips overseas to negotiate in the sprawling Malaysian submarines acquisition.
Although, there is widespread speculation the third person was Najib Razak, who was then Defence Minister, one must not jump the gun and disregard other possibilities.
Until and when the French investigators releases the name of the third individual, one must it is not Najib. Yet, this does not exclude Najib from the list nor preclude the fact that he actually has the highest probability of being Mr X - or in Sodomy II terms, the 'Male Y'.
Najib has repeatedly denied involvement with Altantuya Shaaribuu, whom it is believed was his former mistress before he passed her over to his best friend Razak Baginda. Under enormous pressure from UMNO and with an eye to the coveted premiership, Najib who was by then also DPM, took an oath on the Quran that he never knew her.
Yet, would it have been possible for Najib not to have known Altantuya?
What the French probe fished out
As Defence Minister, Najib would have full knowledge of all things pertaining to the purchase of substantial equipment. A purchase this large and complicated and involving the use of billions of ringgit of public money would require Najib’s full attention.
All details would have made its way onto his desk. And Altantuya's role was not nitty-gritty. She would have played an active role because she translated for Baginda, his friend who was looking out for him in the acquisition.
The French trial which is due to start soon against DCN. The seller of the 2 Scorpene and one Agosta submarines will be grilled and who they met and dealt with is bound to come out. Sooner or later, what the French probe fished out will become public and those who have been lied to should rightfully be very angry and demand the sternest action.
Secondly, Razak Baginda has already confessed Altantuya had been his lover. Again, it seems impossible for Najib not to know who was keeping company with his best friend. Especially, with such a huge business transaction on the table, would Najib not keep tabs? Would not his own intelligence alert him to Baginda’s movements? Would not the Malaysian Ministry of Defence or Special Branch have done a background check on Altantuya?
Therefore, chances are high Altantuya was known to Najib, casually or not is open to debate, but she was in all likelihood known to him.
Whether the mystery man or the third man or the missing link is indeed Najib is a different question. It is also besides the point because one way or another Najib would have been involved in it all.
The difference is that if it is proven by passport or airline records, then it is all the more embarrassing for Najib. He would be publicly found out in a lie that most Malaysians already suspect him of.
It will also open the door for his enemies - not from the Opposition - but from his own UMNO party to topple him.
Truth
The submarines negotiation was between the government of Malaysia and French arms dealer. Whoever that took part in the negotiation exercise would have to be cleared by the Ministery of Defence and Najib as its Minister.
Altantuya may not have been translator for the government and only for Baginda but she was part of the sprawling negotiations which also included the 114 million euros support services deal for Perimekar, which is the firm linked to Baginda.
It would have been pure negligence on Najib’s part if he did not know who were the various parties forming the integral structure of the 1 billion euros acquisition.
Following the controversy, there were calls for an independent inquiry into the cost of the submarines and Najib's role in it. He had been accused of receiving kickbacks as well as involvment in the Altantuya death.
If the inquiry had been allowed, 'sensitive' details would have been exposed. So perhaps the oath-taking was an easy way out for Najib to downplay the accusations. Just like Sodomy II's Saiful and Datuk T's Eskay had tried to do by swearing on the Quran.
Through it all, the government of Malaysia has kept silent. In their silence, they were actually abetting a crime against the rakyat (populace).
But what goes around, comes around. If guilty, the paper trail will lead back to Najib regardless of how he wants to evade it. Not only will Najib be caught out in a lie but so too will the BN coalition, which was the government of the day.
No one, no matter how omnipotent, can live a lie forever. Like pus, the truth always has a way of coming out. No matter how one hides it.
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