Hudud not a solution, says Obedient Wives Club
The idea of implementing hudud as a solution to the many social problems in this country is roundly rejected by the controversial Obedient Wives Club (OWC).
The idea of implementing hudud as a solution to the many social problems in this country is roundly rejected by the controversial Obedient Wives Club (OWC).Using laws and punishments, says its president Fauziah Ariffin, will not curb problems such as sex out of wedlock, baby dumping and homosexuality.OWC, Fauziah said, believes in the implementation of hudud only if it was the last possible solution to punish those who were involved in social ills.Under Islamic law or syariah, hudud refers to the class of punishments for certain crimes that include theft, fornication and adultery, consumption of alcohol or other intoxicants and apostasy.The requirements of a hudud witness include not missing prayers and a person who is not a fasik(not trustworthy), which would make such witnesses difficult to find in today's world."In Islam, hudud is the last (solution). We should not punish (wrongdoers using hudud) if there are other ways."Even if there is hudud, we must provide four witnesses. Do you think it is easy to find the witnesses - those who have never missed their prayers and are not fasik?"When we see illicit things while walking around, we can no longer be trusted (and become fasik). And if we do not istighfar (seek forgiveness from Allah), we will remain fasik."Is it easy to get such witness nowadays? That is why hudud is acceptable only when there are four of such witnesses. You can only use hudud when you get such witnesses. If not, the punishment will not be valid," Fauziah said.Kelantan has approved the implementation of hudud under Syariah Criminal Code II 1993. However, its implementation has stymied due to federal constitutional issues.
Strict laws ineffective
Fauziah believes that hudud will not be able to solve the country's social problems.
She pointed to the death sentence for drug traffickers and yet the problem remained, and as such the law was ineffective.In many American Muslim families, however, the only lecture given is "Don't do it!". Although "it" is never defined, everyone generally understands "it" as a catch-all-provision for any first-to-fourth base activity with the opposite gender before marriage. One would assume the freedom of college would automatically cure all these societal repressions and allow parents to be more open. However, the story of comedian and journalist Aman Ali is sadly familiar to many American Muslims:
To readers ignorant of Islamic religious traditions, this fits a reductive stereotype of Islam as an austere terrain of angry, bearded men who forcefully engage in joyless sex with oppressed, silent women between bouts of burning American flags and eating copious amounts of hummus. The other extreme depiction of Islamic sexuality plays out like an orientalist fantasy directed by the makers of Sex and the City 2 and features harems, hookahs, magic carpets and a pornocopia of fetishes unfit to print.
Yet Islam, as practised by the prophet Muhammad, is refreshingly candid and human in its treatment of sexuality. The hadith literature – the scholarly collections documenting the sayings, behaviours and etiquette of the prophet – provides ample evidence of this. The early followers of Islam bluntly asked the prophet about sex and marriage in order to correctly practise their new religion. Many books have been written by renowned scholars citing the prophet's healthy attitude towards sexuality, which encouraged foreplay, playfulness and compassion between consenting, married adults.
The prophetic conduct towards sex has been abandoned by several American Muslim communities, particularly those of immigrant descent, in favour of outright silence. Topics including an acknowledgement of realities such as pregnancies before marriage or adultery are rarely mentioned in many Muslim circles; the fear being that acknowledgement would act as an endorsement, validation and inspiration for unislamic sexual deviances.
During a Muslim's youth and adolescence, many elders promote repression. However, when this individual becomes a single, unmarried adult in their late 20s or 30s, they are bludgeoned with repeated commands to "settle down". Muslim youth are expected to go from 0 to 60 mph with a spouse, 2.3 kids and a suburban home without being taught how to start the engine and how to maintain the vehicle on its journey.
Sometimes, age functions as the greatest prophylactic. This is most noticeable in what is currently deemed the great "epidemic" of single, professional Muslim American women in their 30s who face a double standard. Unlike men, they are unfairly accused of forfeiting domesticity for the sake of personal ambition. As the communities have failed to establish a healthy paradigm for social interactions, there is no quick-fix solution. Thus, they are increasingly marginalised as write-offs, ultimately destined to roam forever as the single walking dead. Single Muslim men in their 30s are like Will Smith from I Am Legend – sole representatives of an increasingly extinct species wandering the wasteland in solitude and depression. The assumptions are either the man is gay, a sexually promiscuous player and thus unsuitable for marriage, or that he has issues with his "equipment".
Mosques and Muslim community centres ensure singles remain sexless. The gender dynamics displayed within many of these social environments reflect the hypocrisy and absurdity of American Muslim gender relations. Theexaggerated gender segregation often found in some mosques actually engenders the exact behaviour and mindset it seeks to eliminate. It treats single Muslims as if they are sex-depraved, ravenous beasts ready to pounce on one another like a Jane Austen heroine unleashed on her wedding night. The walls between genders – both figurative and literal – are analogues to the pink elephant. The more you're asked not to think about it, the harder it is not to.
Instead of repressing the elephant, perhaps it's time to acknowledge the elephant's existence, respectfully offer to buy it a non-alcoholic beverage, and compliment it on the size of its tusks all the while still adhering to one's religious values. There is hope that the birds and bees talk of today will evolve from "Don't do it!" to "Do it!" – in a manner that is respectful, comfortable and natural to the sensibilities of Muslim individuals and communities.
"When I started college, my mom told me: 'You're there to study, if I catch you talking to a girl, I will break your neck.' By the time I graduated, my mom told me: 'Why haven't you found any good girls to marry? You're so old!'"
To readers ignorant of Islamic religious traditions, this fits a reductive stereotype of Islam as an austere terrain of angry, bearded men who forcefully engage in joyless sex with oppressed, silent women between bouts of burning American flags and eating copious amounts of hummus. The other extreme depiction of Islamic sexuality plays out like an orientalist fantasy directed by the makers of Sex and the City 2 and features harems, hookahs, magic carpets and a pornocopia of fetishes unfit to print.
Yet Islam, as practised by the prophet Muhammad, is refreshingly candid and human in its treatment of sexuality. The hadith literature – the scholarly collections documenting the sayings, behaviours and etiquette of the prophet – provides ample evidence of this. The early followers of Islam bluntly asked the prophet about sex and marriage in order to correctly practise their new religion. Many books have been written by renowned scholars citing the prophet's healthy attitude towards sexuality, which encouraged foreplay, playfulness and compassion between consenting, married adults.
The prophetic conduct towards sex has been abandoned by several American Muslim communities, particularly those of immigrant descent, in favour of outright silence. Topics including an acknowledgement of realities such as pregnancies before marriage or adultery are rarely mentioned in many Muslim circles; the fear being that acknowledgement would act as an endorsement, validation and inspiration for unislamic sexual deviances.
During a Muslim's youth and adolescence, many elders promote repression. However, when this individual becomes a single, unmarried adult in their late 20s or 30s, they are bludgeoned with repeated commands to "settle down". Muslim youth are expected to go from 0 to 60 mph with a spouse, 2.3 kids and a suburban home without being taught how to start the engine and how to maintain the vehicle on its journey.
Sometimes, age functions as the greatest prophylactic. This is most noticeable in what is currently deemed the great "epidemic" of single, professional Muslim American women in their 30s who face a double standard. Unlike men, they are unfairly accused of forfeiting domesticity for the sake of personal ambition. As the communities have failed to establish a healthy paradigm for social interactions, there is no quick-fix solution. Thus, they are increasingly marginalised as write-offs, ultimately destined to roam forever as the single walking dead. Single Muslim men in their 30s are like Will Smith from I Am Legend – sole representatives of an increasingly extinct species wandering the wasteland in solitude and depression. The assumptions are either the man is gay, a sexually promiscuous player and thus unsuitable for marriage, or that he has issues with his "equipment".
Mosques and Muslim community centres ensure singles remain sexless. The gender dynamics displayed within many of these social environments reflect the hypocrisy and absurdity of American Muslim gender relations. Theexaggerated gender segregation often found in some mosques actually engenders the exact behaviour and mindset it seeks to eliminate. It treats single Muslims as if they are sex-depraved, ravenous beasts ready to pounce on one another like a Jane Austen heroine unleashed on her wedding night. The walls between genders – both figurative and literal – are analogues to the pink elephant. The more you're asked not to think about it, the harder it is not to.
Instead of repressing the elephant, perhaps it's time to acknowledge the elephant's existence, respectfully offer to buy it a non-alcoholic beverage, and compliment it on the size of its tusks all the while still adhering to one's religious values. There is hope that the birds and bees talk of today will evolve from "Don't do it!" to "Do it!" – in a manner that is respectful, comfortable and natural to the sensibilities of Muslim individuals and communities.
Accepting the fact that your partner is not keen to explore your sexual fantasies isn't easy. Here's help!
26-year-old Tanya dreamt of replicating the romantic moves she'd seen on screen last evening with her husband. But the moment she slipped into a sexy black dress, she knew something would go wrong with her anticipated night of pleasure. By the time the two went to bed, her better half was semi asleep and just as she reached across to him, all he sleepily mused was, 'Not tonight honey!'
A frequent occurrence in the sexual life of any urban couple, the moment your partner denies your sexual needs, the other half immediately starts nursing innumerable thoughts. "Is my wife having an affair or is that I fail to seduce her anymore?", "doesn't my husband love my touch?", are the most common thoughts that recur in a partner's head.
An unwillingness to get physically cozy and intimate often creates suspicion and doubts in the mind of the other partner. Too much sexual inadequacy often also creates physical distance and an emotional disconnect, often leading to the break down of marital ties.
Nidhi Chauhan, a homemaker says, "When he denied me for the first time, I got really embarrassed and didn't know how to react. I finally decided to go to bed without uttering a single word. Now this happens quite frequently and obviously it leads to a great amount of friction between us."
Accepting the fact that your partner is not keen to explore your sexual fantasies isn't easy to digest, so here are some tips to get the chemistry sizzling once again.
Is your technique right?
While you're in bed with your partner, try to explore beyond the regular pleasure points. Find out new ways to seduce your partner, try new positions and don't be afraid to go beyond the regular seduction techniques. All this can help you and your partner in renewing the passion for making love to each other.
Sunil Sharma, a marketing manager shares his experience, "I was tired of listening to this line from my wife, so I finally decided to sit across the table and discuss her sexual needs frankly. After a prolonged conversation, my wife revealed to me that I fail to arouse her completely. More than me touching her genitals, she liked kissing, fondling and hugging. She didn't like to be wild in bed and preferred a more subtle approach. I realized that I needed to be more attentive to her innate desires to help us bond better in bed."
Here's help: Dr Sanjay Chugh, psychologist, says, "A man can get his woman in the mood by being physically affectionate with her, like running his hands tenderly along her legs, stroking her hair, kissing her on her eyes or giving her a little love bite on her neck. You will completely turn her off if you are always in a mad rush for intercourse. Many women also get bored with having sex the same way for long. So never be afraid of trying out new things."
'It was a long tiring day'
Today's fast paced life often puts a lot of pressure on the couple which carries into the bedroom. This increases the stress level and thus they get lesser time to relax and rejuvenate themselves. Most of us are indulging in multitasking, which makes it difficult to concentrate on one's personal life.
Dr Samir Parikh, psychologist says, "Our work has become the primary aspect of our life. No wonder that it's the primary source of most of our problems as well. Something or the other goes wrong everyday in one's professional ambit. The work culture we have these days, completely drains us out. It brings in communication gap between couples and affects their sex drive too. Therefore, it is necessary to learn to switch off from work once you walk home."
Smita Sen, a public relation executive says, "Me and my husband hardly have any sex life now. We work for a BPO and our timings are completely different. We hardly get any time to spend with each other. Whenever I pursue him, he says he is too tired, when he is in the mood, I don't feel like making love to him. It's drawing us apart."
Here's help: If your partner has been trying hard to meet deadlines and cope up with mounting work pressure, it may become difficult for him/her to concentrate on lovemaking. It's important to show some concern towards your spouse. Try to find out what is bothering him/her, try to comfort them, give them a stimulating massage if they are fatigued as it may help them open up and talk about their work issues.
Once they talk frankly to you, you can comfort them and maybe get them into the mood for a night of passion. Try to do things that relax you both.
Indulging in a warm shower together, enjoying the experience in an atmosphere filled with scented candles and aroma oils can take away the pent up stress. If you have a bathtub, soak yourself with your beau and put on some Zen chants to make the environment soothing.
Learn to have fun together
Playfulness is a very important aspect of one's sex life. Feeling closer during sex doesn't only depend on expensive gifts, perfumed candles and a cozy bed. The best thing about sex is the fun of experience, so it's vital to learn to laugh together. A little bit of excitement and sense of willingness can really set the ball rolling for you.
Shweta Khatri, who is expecting her first child says, "To rekindle the desire of having sex you need to spend quality time with your partner. One can indulge in some fun activities together, like a tickling match, having a pillow fight or having a shower together. All these naughty things act as foreplay and can lead to a great night ahead."
Here's help: A couple can try doing some interesting things together to perk up their sex life. From discussing each other's sexual fantasies, experimenting with kinky sex toys, watching some erotic films together, performing striptease or giving oral pleasure to your partner- the fun lies in being adventurous in bed.
Time after time
After a few decades of sharing the same bed, men often forget the importance of a satisfying foreplay. Therefore, many middle-aged women feel that their husbands are lesser dedicated to the bond now. Women often desire a prolonged foreplay to reach a state of complete arousal.
Susana Ghosh, an advertising professional adds, "I have been married for 16 years. Though I know, my husband loves me, but the way he just focuses on my private parts during intercourse is a big turn off. The other day, he spent the entire evening watching football. As his team won, he was happy and wanted to make love. He just grabbed me, without any foreplay and post the session he simply turned around and went to sleep. He does not try to understand that I deserve and want more. It really upsets me."
Here's help: Dr Samir Parikh tells, "One should use his spontaneity and imagination as the tools for foreplay. Foreplay should be lighthearted and slow. Many people take foreplay as just a mere exercise to reach an orgasm. However, the fact is, if a man fakes foreplay, his woman will fake her orgasm."
The main purpose of foreplay is to make your partner feel special and cared for. Women really like being touched gently all over their body. An erotic massage, some compliments and some passionate kisses help to arouse her completely.
Too busy for sex
In this age of parenting and exhausting work schedules, it's often difficult for couples to concentrate on their sex life.
Anmol Gupta says, "Nearly after two years of our marriage, we had our first baby. Obviously, both of us were very excited, but our sex life suffered because of my wife's pregnancy. We were hoping that things will get better after the delivery but it did not turn out as planned. My wife spends sleepless nights as she has to take care of the baby and it seems she is never in the mood for a night of togetherness."
Here's help: Dr Rachna Singh opines, "Most of the couples feel that they're spending less time with their children. Therefore, in the quest of becoming perfect parents they sacrifice their sex lives. Do give time to your children, but save some time for your spouse as well. If you do not enjoy a holistic sexual union, you'll never be able to create a stress free environment for your children. For a fulfilling sex life, a couple has to be bonded well and it cannot happen overnight. One can't develop intimacy with his/her partner without spending adequate time with each other."
'I don't feel sexy enough'
Weighty matters often harrow women. If you are incessantly worrying that you are not desirable enough because you have gained extra pounds, think again, as your partner might not have even noticed your extra love handles. Still it's good to be little health conscious. Trust me it will boost your self-esteem as well.
Sushant Rawat, a software engineer states, "Though sex is not only about having a great body, but who doesn't want an attractive partner? Therefore, I follow a strict exercise regime and a healthy lifestyle. I feel great about my body and it boosts my confidence in bed, and definitely improves my performance as well."
Here's help: Priyanka Verma, a yoga instructor says, "Being in shape is not as difficult as people think, if you alter your lifestyle a little bit you can easily get rid of those extra pounds. Just try to consume a lot of fluids throughout the day, take smaller meals at regular intervals and exercise regularly. Be it yoga or hitting a gym, follow a routine and if you are aiming at some serious weight loss, than exercise with a trainer. Eat healthy and workout, that's the only way to stay fit and healthy."
Everybody wishes to have a satisfying sex life, but for attaining sizzling sexual chemistry, you have to understand your partner and give the other person an opportunity to understand you.
Many people find it difficult to put their feelings in words; they feel uncomfortable in doing things to get their spouse in the mood for sex. But it's necessary to realize that these efforts will in turn create a rewarding experience for both of you.
Being sexual is much more than just eliciting a physical response. When you are tuned into your partner as a beloved and not as a sexual object, it will enrich relations between the two.
26-year-old Tanya dreamt of replicating the romantic moves she'd seen on screen last evening with her husband. But the moment she slipped into a sexy black dress, she knew something would go wrong with her anticipated night of pleasure. By the time the two went to bed, her better half was semi asleep and just as she reached across to him, all he sleepily mused was, 'Not tonight honey!'
A frequent occurrence in the sexual life of any urban couple, the moment your partner denies your sexual needs, the other half immediately starts nursing innumerable thoughts. "Is my wife having an affair or is that I fail to seduce her anymore?", "doesn't my husband love my touch?", are the most common thoughts that recur in a partner's head.
An unwillingness to get physically cozy and intimate often creates suspicion and doubts in the mind of the other partner. Too much sexual inadequacy often also creates physical distance and an emotional disconnect, often leading to the break down of marital ties.
Nidhi Chauhan, a homemaker says, "When he denied me for the first time, I got really embarrassed and didn't know how to react. I finally decided to go to bed without uttering a single word. Now this happens quite frequently and obviously it leads to a great amount of friction between us."
Accepting the fact that your partner is not keen to explore your sexual fantasies isn't easy to digest, so here are some tips to get the chemistry sizzling once again.
Is your technique right?
While you're in bed with your partner, try to explore beyond the regular pleasure points. Find out new ways to seduce your partner, try new positions and don't be afraid to go beyond the regular seduction techniques. All this can help you and your partner in renewing the passion for making love to each other.
Sunil Sharma, a marketing manager shares his experience, "I was tired of listening to this line from my wife, so I finally decided to sit across the table and discuss her sexual needs frankly. After a prolonged conversation, my wife revealed to me that I fail to arouse her completely. More than me touching her genitals, she liked kissing, fondling and hugging. She didn't like to be wild in bed and preferred a more subtle approach. I realized that I needed to be more attentive to her innate desires to help us bond better in bed."
Here's help: Dr Sanjay Chugh, psychologist, says, "A man can get his woman in the mood by being physically affectionate with her, like running his hands tenderly along her legs, stroking her hair, kissing her on her eyes or giving her a little love bite on her neck. You will completely turn her off if you are always in a mad rush for intercourse. Many women also get bored with having sex the same way for long. So never be afraid of trying out new things."
'It was a long tiring day'
Today's fast paced life often puts a lot of pressure on the couple which carries into the bedroom. This increases the stress level and thus they get lesser time to relax and rejuvenate themselves. Most of us are indulging in multitasking, which makes it difficult to concentrate on one's personal life.
Dr Samir Parikh, psychologist says, "Our work has become the primary aspect of our life. No wonder that it's the primary source of most of our problems as well. Something or the other goes wrong everyday in one's professional ambit. The work culture we have these days, completely drains us out. It brings in communication gap between couples and affects their sex drive too. Therefore, it is necessary to learn to switch off from work once you walk home."
Smita Sen, a public relation executive says, "Me and my husband hardly have any sex life now. We work for a BPO and our timings are completely different. We hardly get any time to spend with each other. Whenever I pursue him, he says he is too tired, when he is in the mood, I don't feel like making love to him. It's drawing us apart."
Here's help: If your partner has been trying hard to meet deadlines and cope up with mounting work pressure, it may become difficult for him/her to concentrate on lovemaking. It's important to show some concern towards your spouse. Try to find out what is bothering him/her, try to comfort them, give them a stimulating massage if they are fatigued as it may help them open up and talk about their work issues.
Once they talk frankly to you, you can comfort them and maybe get them into the mood for a night of passion. Try to do things that relax you both.
Indulging in a warm shower together, enjoying the experience in an atmosphere filled with scented candles and aroma oils can take away the pent up stress. If you have a bathtub, soak yourself with your beau and put on some Zen chants to make the environment soothing.
Learn to have fun together
Playfulness is a very important aspect of one's sex life. Feeling closer during sex doesn't only depend on expensive gifts, perfumed candles and a cozy bed. The best thing about sex is the fun of experience, so it's vital to learn to laugh together. A little bit of excitement and sense of willingness can really set the ball rolling for you.
Shweta Khatri, who is expecting her first child says, "To rekindle the desire of having sex you need to spend quality time with your partner. One can indulge in some fun activities together, like a tickling match, having a pillow fight or having a shower together. All these naughty things act as foreplay and can lead to a great night ahead."
Here's help: A couple can try doing some interesting things together to perk up their sex life. From discussing each other's sexual fantasies, experimenting with kinky sex toys, watching some erotic films together, performing striptease or giving oral pleasure to your partner- the fun lies in being adventurous in bed.
Time after time
After a few decades of sharing the same bed, men often forget the importance of a satisfying foreplay. Therefore, many middle-aged women feel that their husbands are lesser dedicated to the bond now. Women often desire a prolonged foreplay to reach a state of complete arousal.
Susana Ghosh, an advertising professional adds, "I have been married for 16 years. Though I know, my husband loves me, but the way he just focuses on my private parts during intercourse is a big turn off. The other day, he spent the entire evening watching football. As his team won, he was happy and wanted to make love. He just grabbed me, without any foreplay and post the session he simply turned around and went to sleep. He does not try to understand that I deserve and want more. It really upsets me."
Here's help: Dr Samir Parikh tells, "One should use his spontaneity and imagination as the tools for foreplay. Foreplay should be lighthearted and slow. Many people take foreplay as just a mere exercise to reach an orgasm. However, the fact is, if a man fakes foreplay, his woman will fake her orgasm."
The main purpose of foreplay is to make your partner feel special and cared for. Women really like being touched gently all over their body. An erotic massage, some compliments and some passionate kisses help to arouse her completely.
Too busy for sex
In this age of parenting and exhausting work schedules, it's often difficult for couples to concentrate on their sex life.
Anmol Gupta says, "Nearly after two years of our marriage, we had our first baby. Obviously, both of us were very excited, but our sex life suffered because of my wife's pregnancy. We were hoping that things will get better after the delivery but it did not turn out as planned. My wife spends sleepless nights as she has to take care of the baby and it seems she is never in the mood for a night of togetherness."
Here's help: Dr Rachna Singh opines, "Most of the couples feel that they're spending less time with their children. Therefore, in the quest of becoming perfect parents they sacrifice their sex lives. Do give time to your children, but save some time for your spouse as well. If you do not enjoy a holistic sexual union, you'll never be able to create a stress free environment for your children. For a fulfilling sex life, a couple has to be bonded well and it cannot happen overnight. One can't develop intimacy with his/her partner without spending adequate time with each other."
'I don't feel sexy enough'
Weighty matters often harrow women. If you are incessantly worrying that you are not desirable enough because you have gained extra pounds, think again, as your partner might not have even noticed your extra love handles. Still it's good to be little health conscious. Trust me it will boost your self-esteem as well.
Sushant Rawat, a software engineer states, "Though sex is not only about having a great body, but who doesn't want an attractive partner? Therefore, I follow a strict exercise regime and a healthy lifestyle. I feel great about my body and it boosts my confidence in bed, and definitely improves my performance as well."
Here's help: Priyanka Verma, a yoga instructor says, "Being in shape is not as difficult as people think, if you alter your lifestyle a little bit you can easily get rid of those extra pounds. Just try to consume a lot of fluids throughout the day, take smaller meals at regular intervals and exercise regularly. Be it yoga or hitting a gym, follow a routine and if you are aiming at some serious weight loss, than exercise with a trainer. Eat healthy and workout, that's the only way to stay fit and healthy."
Everybody wishes to have a satisfying sex life, but for attaining sizzling sexual chemistry, you have to understand your partner and give the other person an opportunity to understand you.
Many people find it difficult to put their feelings in words; they feel uncomfortable in doing things to get their spouse in the mood for sex. But it's necessary to realize that these efforts will in turn create a rewarding experience for both of you.
Being sexual is much more than just eliciting a physical response. When you are tuned into your partner as a beloved and not as a sexual object, it will enrich relations between the two.
"Our opinion is that when we focus on punishments, people will not obey. This goes beyond Islamic laws," she added.She also spoke about how institutions built to prevent crimes were failing.
"Even now, the numbers of babies born out of wedlock are rapidly increasing and massage parlours continue to expand," she said.She said she, on the other hand, was trying to educate society, just like what Prophet Muhammad did when he led the earliest Muslims in Mecca.According to her, when the prophet first started preaching, he used the approach of the ‘knowing and loving God', rather than the fear of punishment."That was how Prophet Muhammad introduced his community to Allah when he was in Mecca at the beginning."Then he (the prophet) told them about heaven and hell, so that his followers would want to go to heaven."That was Prophet Muhammad's first dakwah (preaching of Islam) for over 13 years, telling the same thing until he arrived in Medina, where he talk about syariah (Islamic law)," she said. try not to "prescribe" sexual activities; you are all entitled to make your own decisions when it comes to your sex life. I merely make suggestions, and this time, the suggestions are actually coming from you -- the readers. But this is not a mandate; consider it elective homework. If you haven't been doing the following things, maybe you should try them.
1. Mutual Masturbation When I asked Facebook and Twitter users what they thought people weren't doing enough of (sexually), the first response I received was "mutual masturbation." I must admit, this made me smile. We often hear about this underrated activity under the umbrella of safer sex (and usually during a high school sex ed class), and while it is that, it can be a highly pleasurable and erotic activity. As an added bonus: You can see how your partner likes to be touched (and vice versa). It is also a great way to have sexual satisfaction if you are not in the mood for intercourse. Pleasure is pleasure -- does it really matter if there's no penetration involved?
2. Admitting what you like -- or who you like. When was the last time you looked at your partner and said, "I'd really like it if we (insert fantasy of choice)?" Many of us don't admit that there are things we would like to try in our bedroom. Perhaps it is because we have all these preconceived notions about what is "right" and "wrong" when it comes to sex. Maybe it's because we're not sure what we like because we've haven't experimented enough... or at all. Maybe there is something about our fantasy (or our fantasy partner) that makes us feel guilty. Throw all of that guilt away and make a commitment to speak up about something/someone you want in your sex life.
3. Mixing up your sexual repertoire. Many of us (especially if we've been in a long-term relationship) start to develop a sexual routine. We have sex on a particular day of the week, in the same room and often in the same position. Do we mean to be sexually mundane? Definitely not. But sometimes life takes over and we don't prioritize our sexual relationship. Many people would like to make their sex lives more exciting; novelty is the easiest way to get there. Get out of your comfort zone. Try a new position. Mix up your location: you know, move out of the bedroom. Try new sex behaviors. Are you an intercourse-only couple? There are lots of other activities that end in orgasm -- i.e. mutual masturbation, oral sex and anal sex.
4. Not Faking Orgasms. You heard me. Lots of us (believe it or not, men, too!) fake orgasms. I get why we do it -- we want our partner(s) to feel confident about their sexual skills, we want to get sex over with or we are frustrated with our own inability to have an orgasm. But in the end, is it really helpful? Probably not. There's a difference between faking an orgasm once and consistent faking. If you're not being satisfied, don't let your partner assume you are. How is that person supposed to know what you need? (And consider what happens if and when that partner moves on to his or her next relationship...) A good partner is concerned with your pleasure as well as his or her own. I'm not suggesting that orgasms are the goal of every sex act (because when we focus heavily on the "end," we can actually psyche ourselves out of having an orgasm). But I am suggesting that pretending to have pleasure is a surefire way of insuring that you don't have any. Kind of defeats the purpose.
5. Using Condoms More Regularly. You didn't think that I could possibly write this without including something explicitly health-related, did you? I am a huge proponent of condoms -- always have been. Condoms are the only form of contraception that offers protection against sexually transmitted infections, HIV and pregnancy. Condoms today aren't like those of the past. There are lots of innovations that make for pleasurable protected sex. In fact, in the largest nationally representative study of sexual health and behaviors (IU, NSSHB, 2010), adults wearing condoms for intercourse were just as likely to rate the sex positively with respect to arousal, pleasure and orgasm as having intercourse without a condom. Don't believe me? Check it out for yourself (www.nationalsexstudy.indiana.edu). But in all seriousness, I believe that people should be free to explore all types of consensual sex, but we should be protected. There are 19 million new cases of sexually transmitted infections in the U.S. every year (some are curable, some are treatable). So I'm not saying to avoid sex, I'm saying to be smart about what we do and how we do it. (And of course, if you are a woman who has sex with women, you should be using dams for oral or oral/anal sex, condoms with sex toys and getting tested regularly, too.)
In the end, I'm sure that there are plenty of other things that we could be doing in (or out of) our bedrooms. What would you want to be doing more of? Feel free to add your suggestions in the comments. I look forward to reading them.Women experience more sexual fantasies during fertile periods of the month, a new study has revealed.
The research is one of many studies finding differences in women's sexual interest across themenstrual cycle.
For example, a 2007 study found that around ovulation, when pregnancy is possible, womensay they prefer macho, masculine guys.
An April 2011 study even suggested that women who are in the more fertile phase of the month are more likely to see Georgia O'Keeffe's suggestive paintings as erotic.
The new study finds that sexual fantasies increase, and lead to more arousal in women, during fertile periods. Women also reported a higher proportion of men in their fantasies during fertile times of the month.
"When it mattered most, women were fantasizing more about men," said study author Samantha Dawson, a graduate researcher at the University of Lethbridge in Alberta, Canada.
Dawson and her colleagues focused on fantasies because such sexual daydreams aren't dependent on the availability of sex partners or other outside forces.
That means fantasies may be more representative of sexual interest than how much real-life sex a woman has, Dawson told LiveScience.
The researchers paid 27 single heterosexual women, mostly college students, to keep a daily online diary of their sexual fantasies for one month. None of the women were on hormonal birth control.
By counting back from the last menstrual period, the researchers targeted a 10-day window in which each woman would likely ovulate.
During those 10 days, each woman took a do-it-yourself urine test to detect ovulation, much like the fertility tests available at drug stores. The tests were in neutral packaging, and women weren't told that they being tested for ovulation.
The women in the study reported, on average, 0.77 sexual fantasies a day — much higher than earlier work, which had suggested that men fantasize about once per day and women only once a week.
Those earlier studies, however, asked participants to look back over time and recall their fantasies. A day-by-day approach is likely more accurate, because it does not rely so much on memory, the researchers reported.
In the three days surrounding ovulation, fantasies became more frequent, reaching an average of about 1.3 per day. Women's reports also indicated these fantasies were more arousing than fantasies during nonfertile periods.
The researchers expected to see fertile women become more "malelike" in their fantasies during fertile periods, given this increased interest in sex.
Men generally report that their fantasies are more visual and explicit than female fantasies, which tend to contain more focus on emotion. But in fact, women actually became more femalelike in their fertile fantasies.
"They're still focusing on the emotions and the feelings that they have toward this partner in the fantasies as opposed to what the partner looks like, how masculine they are and what sexual acts they're actually engaging in," Dawson said.
The researchers did find, however, that women's interest in men peaked during fertile periods. Women are generally more fluid in their fantasies than men, Dawson said.
One 2006 study presented at the International Academy of Sex Research in the Netherlands found that 25 percent of heterosexual women reported that their fantasies included other women, while only 10 percent of heterosexual men included other men in their sexual fantasies.
In the current study, 52 percent of participants reported fantasies that included women.
Still, fantasies were primarily populated by men, with about 95 percent male characters across the menstrual cycle. During ovulation, however, the proportion of men went up by a percentage point or so, suggesting that fertility hormones do influence straight women's sexual interests.
"You're going to want to have sex with someone who can actually pass genes on to you, so a man versus a woman," Dawson said.
The researchers also had the women look at images of masculine and feminine men and women at three points across the menstrual cycle, but they did not find more interest in masculine men, or men in general, during fertile periods.
The lack of a finding probably has more to do with the fact that the same photographs were repeated at each session than anything hormonal, Dawson added.
The study has been published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior
Source: http://www.GutterUncensored.com
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