WHY WOMEN WON’T HAVE SEX WITH THEIR HUSBANDS—SEXUAL HARASSMENT, .

 Indianmuslim man and sexual harassment, unwelcome sexual behaviour like physical contact MEN THINK OF WOMEN AS SEX OBJECTS, STUDY PRELUDE TO OUR NEXT ARTICLE ON THE CONFESSION BY SWEET ANAK MAMI GIRL WHO WAS SEXUALLY HARASSED AT WORKPLACE AT  A TRAVEL AGENCY

Reading Charlie Capen’s ‘Why Won’t My Wife Have Sex With Me’ made me think about the number of men out there, lost in thenewdadnosleepnosexlife.

Childbirth changes a marriage. It’s not just about a new baby’s presence, but the toll it takes on your body. Sure you can feed your child with formula, leave him in a daycare center, and use the cry it out method, but what if you want to practice full time breastfeeding and attachment parenting, like me?

The first few weeks I survived by telling myself to take one day at a time, and keep it simple. Sex was out of the window, long gone to a different continent by then. My husband and I decided to wait at least a whole month to give it a try. I appreciated his patience in giving me time to heal, and feel closer to normal again.

Those first weeks were intense. I felt like an island, and no matter how much my family helped, the novelty of the baby wore off and I was on my own. Being at home all day, covered in baby poo, baby puke and baby pee can make the most confident woman feel as sexy as a pile of dirt. Some days I was so out of it I forgot to brush my teeth, or didn’t have time to take a shower until my husband came back from work. I couldn’t fathom why on Earth my husband wanted me. My body changed, and my self esteem dropped with my saggy skin.

Two months into maternity, my husband took the baby for six hours (I started to pump milk by then), and bought me a wonderful Spa Day. I felt beautiful and charming, so it paid off (for that day). For the past month, things have started to pick up. He has learned (through talk and arguing and more talk and arguing) that helping out with the house chores, taking the baby for a while so I can nap and other little things are more arousing than parading naked in front of me.

Waving your cute butt in front of your wife will not do anything for your sex life. Doing the dishes, the laundry and putting the baby to sleep… Now that will raise more than an eyebrow or two.

It’s physically pleasurable

Many of my single women friends are over 30, and some are now over 35. Together we either laugh till we cry, or cry till we laugh when we talk about the challenges of meeting and marrying Muslim men. The situations we find ourselves in today are both funny and sad – at the same time.

I’m glad to have women (and now men too) with whom I can share my myriad of emotions and observations on this topic. I feel much less alone now than I have in the past in this regard. I know that Allah is with me, which definitely does give me solace, but having support that I can see and feel makes a big difference.

For a long time, I felt shut out by the community for not fitting into their little box. Why am I an ‘outlier’? Well, I have been above that arbitrary line-in-the-air called the ‘socially acceptable’ marriageable age since I was 27. I have a mind and speak it. I care about more than make up. I am not drop-dead gorgeous. And last but not least, I am not a doctor (or the daughter of one). I know that I don’t sound very different from many other single women out there, but those are some of my reasons for being an outlier.

How many times in how many ways have I been judged (we all have) by the community? We are creatures of our environment and the judging has affected me. By the same token though, how many times have I judged (again, we all have) the community? I don’t know whether they are affected by me, but I am sure that I mimic the community in its behaviors more than I know. The community ties us together, but can also bind and gag us, to conformity and to unachievable expectations, thereby causing us to limit our own aspirations in efforts to be more ‘acceptable’ to the community.

I have recently realized that whatever I do, the community is never going to embrace me. Some parts of the community will, but others won’t. Even InshAllah if and when I do get married I will never be a young bride or a young mother. The time for that has passed. I will never be in sync with my friends and their kids age wise. I will always be an outlier. It’s not where I wanted to be, no one likes to stick out, but there is wisdom in everything, and despite the fact that I am willing to speak honestly and directly, I am not willing to question and condemn things I don’t know and definitely don’t understand.

I spoke out about three weeks ago on my feelings and observations on the ways and means of meeting and marrying in the Muslim community. I made a sincere request on a friend’s blog to the Muslim American community, eligible men and their mothers, matrimonial sites and event organizers, and rishta aunties. I asked them to pay attention to me, and other women like me who are part of a growing population of single Muslim women over 30 (I am over 35) in our community.
Amongst all the other reasons to remain glued to sex, this is the most prominent one. Good sex satisfies your physical urge, which is very normal for anyone to experience. Psychologist Seema Naina opines, “Sex is the most basic need of any person. And I am increasingly getting cases where women are complaining that men are unable to satisfy their physical needs.”
Regarding a framework to help our single women over 30 get married, at minimum, we need to engage actively in discussions and endeavor to foster relevant and meaningful interaction and dialogue between the sexes in forums for broader discussion and guidance (“khutbas” or sermons, dialogues, discussions, roundtables on Islam, marriage, gender relations, sexual relations, etc.). Additionally, if there are matrimonial events and sites, the events and sites have to be more nuanced than the current options. The goal is coming together in halal settings with other Muslims who seek to get married.

On halal dating, I think it’s a viable option if we are clear on the terminology and the parameters. Dating encompasses the communications and interactions between a man and a woman based on mutual interest and potentially leading to marriage. These interactions can be controlled and adapted to be halal, relevant, thoughtful and transparent.

From the perspective of Muslim singles today, there are limited options to meet other Muslims, and historically, marriages were arranged. This is not the case anymore. Now, we are on our own. Family and friends may suggest individuals, but once the introductions are made, it’s just us.

There will be some Muslims who decide to marry non-Muslims or nominally converted Muslims. In fact, the suggestion has been made that single Muslim women should start looking outside the community (after all that’s what Muslim men do right?). Conceptually, I agree with my friend who says that it’s a form of ‘dawah’ (educating non-Muslims). She mentioned to me that in her very conservative community there is a position that women should be allowed and encouraged to marry non-Muslims who take the ‘shahada’ (the proclamation of faith in Islam) because Islam has the capacity to evolve in one’s heart over time.readmorehttp://muslimmalaysia786.wordpress.com/2012/03/06/when-indianmuslim-women-think-about-marrying/