All that talk about first impression and lasting ones… well, that’s not all jazz you know. Whoever said it sure knew what they meant. And guess what, if you want to seduce someone, you’ve got to do more than just dress and speak the role, you have a secret yet powerful tool at easy disposal, your eyes. Making the right eye contact and giving the right signals via your eyes to the person you are interested in means about 50 per cent of your work done. The truth is that most of the communication that occurs between two people who are interested in each other is wordless, it’s all about the looks.
Indian women have a certain allure to them, a sultry exotic sex appeal. You just know that once you get them in private, they let loose. Hot, sexy
Even the experts will vouch for this. In fact, communication and body language counsellors opine that the basic components of eye behaviour are easy to master once a person knows how they work. So, if you want to ensure that you always use your eyes fluently and with dazzling effect, here are four simple steps you need to follow.
Indian women have a certain allure to them, a sultry exotic sex appeal. You just know that once you get them in private, they let loose. Hot, sexy
Even the experts will vouch for this. In fact, communication and body language counsellors opine that the basic components of eye behaviour are easy to master once a person knows how they work. So, if you want to ensure that you always use your eyes fluently and with dazzling effect, here are four simple steps you need to follow.
All that talk about first impression and lasting ones… well, that’s not all jazz you know. Whoever said it sure knew what they meant. And guess what, if you want to seduce someone, you’ve got to do more than just dress and speak the role, you have a secret yet powerful tool at easy disposal, your eyes. Making the right eye contact and giving the right signals via your eyes to the person you are interested in means about 50 per cent of your work done. The truth is that most of the communication that occurs between two people who are interested in each other is wordless, it’s all about the looks.
readmore Indian women have a certain allure to them, a sultry exotic sex appeal. You just know that once you get them in private, they let loose. Hot, sexy
Even the experts will vouch for this. In fact, communication and body language counsellors opine that the basic components of eye behaviour are easy to master once a person knows how they work. So, if you want to ensure that you always use your eyes fluently and with dazzling effect, here are four simple steps you need to follow.
All sex activities of the Kadars of Cochin are some what different since, they are confined to excursions into the forest during day time. The restrictions therefore mould not only sex-habits as such, but determine also the daily routine of all married people (Ehrenfels 1952:202 and Coon 1972:158). Further, their ordinary marital sex life is also quite interesting. A husband of women would ask his wife to go, and collect firewood in the forest, either in the morning or, late afternoon. She, naturally, will accept it as the appropriate way The wife will take this as just the correct form of approach to which she will generally respond willingly, unless contemplating divorce or expecting menstruation very soon. If the two have expressed their intention to “collect firewood”, no other Kadan with the least common sense and decency in him would ever dream of accompanying them, though Kadar go for real collection expeditions generally in somewhat bigger groups to the forest. Very small babies will be taken along, by the mother, and put under a thick shrub or bamboo bush, before she lies down to unite with her husband. A certain risk for the baby is here undoubtedly involved, for jackal, hyaena, panther and tiger are more likely to snatch away a baby lying alone at some distance from its parents, than to attack these themselves but, the Kadars yet to express a fear about it (Ehrenfels 1952:203). The Kadars also believe that houses, leaf-shelters or, caves are too small, and too over crowded, and too open as to allow any enjoyable intimacy. Moreover, sexual intercourse must not take place in the presence of children (Ehrenfels 1952:203). The Native American tribe, Hopi insists that sex should take place indoors while, the Witotos, another Native American tribe insists that sex should take place outside their dwelling unit.
Even frequency of intercourse is related to cultural norms.
Even frequency of intercourse is related to cultural norms.
Some tribals, specially the Chenchus of Andhra Pradesh, have sexual intercourse in day time since, they feel that intercourse at night lead to the birth of blind child. Also, they have sex in deep forest area as, they believe that their home is not a hygienic place to have sex (Haimendorf 1943). The Maasai of Eastern Africa are of the opinion that sex in day time can be fatal (Rouse 2002:11).
The pastoral Maasai, inhabit the savannah borderland between Kenya and Tanzania in Africa permitted their young males to have sex with immature girls. Talle (2007:351), in an article, has reported that: “This license has its rationale within a cultural logic and structural framing of hierarchically organized age and gender categories that give precedence to male seniority and male power (Jacobs 1965; Galaty 1977; Spencer 1988). This article argues that sexual prohibitions and licenses-the one implicating the other-may be fruitfully analyzed as part of ‘serious games’ (Ortner 1996), where subjects are positioned in shifting contexts of equality and inequality, power and hierarchy. Throughout their life cycles and in their practical lives, Maasai subjects participate in several sexual ‘games’, which are deeply social practices drawing people into wide and intense webs of interaction and sociality. Sexual relations, moreover, cannot be analyzed in isolation from other social relations or from the realm of economics or politics (Caplan 1987; Ortner and Whitehead 1981; Herdt 1999)”.
The pastoral Maasai, inhabit the savannah borderland between Kenya and Tanzania in Africa permitted their young males to have sex with immature girls. Talle (2007:351), in an article, has reported that: “This license has its rationale within a cultural logic and structural framing of hierarchically organized age and gender categories that give precedence to male seniority and male power (Jacobs 1965; Galaty 1977; Spencer 1988). This article argues that sexual prohibitions and licenses-the one implicating the other-may be fruitfully analyzed as part of ‘serious games’ (Ortner 1996), where subjects are positioned in shifting contexts of equality and inequality, power and hierarchy. Throughout their life cycles and in their practical lives, Maasai subjects participate in several sexual ‘games’, which are deeply social practices drawing people into wide and intense webs of interaction and sociality. Sexual relations, moreover, cannot be analyzed in isolation from other social relations or from the realm of economics or politics (Caplan 1987; Ortner and Whitehead 1981; Herdt 1999)”.
In the case of Eskimos, the children learn of sex matters from their family itself, as soon as they are able to form ideas. Since they live in small dwellings, it is a matter of observation that all the family functions including sex between parents or, other elderly couples being conducted right before their eyes (Garber 1935:216). It is also very interesting to quote here the observation made by Garber (1935:216): “I found several instances in which girl’s mother, by physical manipulation, prepared her small daughter for the process of copulation in order that complete satisfaction might be assured to the prospective husband”.
Introduction
Albeit sex is mostly viewed as a biological urge, it has a socio-cultural dimension as well. The tribal society regulates, and maintains sexual behaviour as a process of socialization through norms, and values in the name of sanction, and avoidance. Consequently, sexual bonds, and incest have existed as universal practices of human societies, and tribals in particular, through different social institutions such as, marriage, family, and kinship.
Anthropology testifies that variations exist between different cultural groups in their patterns of sexual behaviour. Every society must control potentially disruptive sexual behaviour through some systems. But it is clear that effective control can be achieved in diverse ways. Behaviour which is discouraged in one society may be tolerated in a second, and encouraged in a third. Also, substantial differences may exist between subgroups within a society (Gebhard 1971:206). The very existences of cultural practices like monogamy, polygamy, joking relationship, preferential marriage, sororate, levirate, etc are based on sexual interactions. The sexual privilege, avoidance, taboo, and incest among the members have been helping the tribals to sustain their discipline, continuity, and existence
Albeit sex is mostly viewed as a biological urge, it has a socio-cultural dimension as well. The tribal society regulates, and maintains sexual behaviour as a process of socialization through norms, and values in the name of sanction, and avoidance. Consequently, sexual bonds, and incest have existed as universal practices of human societies, and tribals in particular, through different social institutions such as, marriage, family, and kinship.
Anthropology testifies that variations exist between different cultural groups in their patterns of sexual behaviour. Every society must control potentially disruptive sexual behaviour through some systems. But it is clear that effective control can be achieved in diverse ways. Behaviour which is discouraged in one society may be tolerated in a second, and encouraged in a third. Also, substantial differences may exist between subgroups within a society (Gebhard 1971:206). The very existences of cultural practices like monogamy, polygamy, joking relationship, preferential marriage, sororate, levirate, etc are based on sexual interactions. The sexual privilege, avoidance, taboo, and incest among the members have been helping the tribals to sustain their discipline, continuity, and existence
An Overview of the Tribal Sexuality
The most common pattern noted in the literature is to permit joking within the same generation, sometimes with alternate generations and only rarely between contiguous generations. Radcliffe-Brown regards the joking relationship as a technique of resolving problems inherent in the social structure and an alternative to extreme respect or avoidance. He says that: “a relation between two persons in which one is by custom permitted, and in some instances required, to tease or make fun of the other, who in turn is required to take no offence”. He further says that: “the joking relationship between affinal relatives close in age is that sexuality is spoken about or expressed in gestures which seems to anticipate a future sex relationship” (Radcliffe-Brown 1952:90-104). While the ethnographic literature frequently makes mention of joking, sexual license, or obligations between specified members of a society, among the Luguru of Tanganyika all three of these behavior patterns are to be found in a relationship. For example, “a man may jokingly grab a woman’s cloth and attempt to disrobe her, and a good-natured tug-of-war or wrestling may result. A woman may deride a man about his lack of sexual prowess, and imply that he is sterile or impotent. He may respond with an invitation to accompany her in order to demonstrate his virility. The fact that a man is married does not prohibit him from indulging in a jesting conversation with sexual overtones, particularly with unmarried woman. However, it is considered bad form for a man to make suggestive or obscene remarks to a married woman, unless her husband is present” (Christensen 1963:1316).
The most common pattern noted in the literature is to permit joking within the same generation, sometimes with alternate generations and only rarely between contiguous generations. Radcliffe-Brown regards the joking relationship as a technique of resolving problems inherent in the social structure and an alternative to extreme respect or avoidance. He says that: “a relation between two persons in which one is by custom permitted, and in some instances required, to tease or make fun of the other, who in turn is required to take no offence”. He further says that: “the joking relationship between affinal relatives close in age is that sexuality is spoken about or expressed in gestures which seems to anticipate a future sex relationship” (Radcliffe-Brown 1952:90-104). While the ethnographic literature frequently makes mention of joking, sexual license, or obligations between specified members of a society, among the Luguru of Tanganyika all three of these behavior patterns are to be found in a relationship. For example, “a man may jokingly grab a woman’s cloth and attempt to disrobe her, and a good-natured tug-of-war or wrestling may result. A woman may deride a man about his lack of sexual prowess, and imply that he is sterile or impotent. He may respond with an invitation to accompany her in order to demonstrate his virility. The fact that a man is married does not prohibit him from indulging in a jesting conversation with sexual overtones, particularly with unmarried woman. However, it is considered bad form for a man to make suggestive or obscene remarks to a married woman, unless her husband is present” (Christensen 1963:1316).
An Overview of the Tribal Sexuality
The most common pattern noted in the literature is to permit joking within the same generation, sometimes with alternate generations and only rarely between contiguous generations. Radcliffe-Brown regards the joking relationship as a technique of resolving problems inherent in the social structure and an alternative to extreme respect or avoidance. He says that: “a relation between two persons in which one is by custom permitted, and in some instances required, to tease or make fun of the other, who in turn is required to take no offence”. He further says that: “the joking relationship between affinal relatives close in age is that sexuality is spoken about or expressed in gestures which seems to anticipate a future sex relationship” (Radcliffe-Brown 1952:90-104). While the ethnographic literature frequently makes mention of joking, sexual license, or obligations between specified members of a society, among the Luguru of Tanganyika all three of these behavior patterns are to be found in a relationship. For example, “a man may jokingly grab a woman’s cloth and attempt to disrobe her, and a good-natured tug-of-war or wrestling may result. A woman may deride a man about his lack of sexual prowess, and imply that he is sterile or impotent. He may respond with an invitation to accompany her in order to demonstrate his virility. The fact that a man is married does not prohibit him from indulging in a jesting conversation with sexual overtones, particularly with unmarried woman. However, it is considered bad form for a man to make suggestive or obscene remarks to a married woman, unless her husband is present” (Christensen 1963:1316).Different people feel differently about the place of their sexual intercourse. One of the reasons for the origin of youth dormitories in tribal societies (Ex. The Muria Ghonds of Madhya Pradesh) is that the parents do not want to be witnessed by their children during their sexual intercourse at home. While the Muria Ghonds juveniles have their sexual urge fulfilled in the youth dormitories. After the weaning has effected, The Muduvars, and the Malai Malasars children sleep in bachelor or, young maiden halls respectively, and thus, the parents are undisturbed during nights in their houses (Ehrenfels 1952:203).
The most common pattern noted in the literature is to permit joking within the same generation, sometimes with alternate generations and only rarely between contiguous generations. Radcliffe-Brown regards the joking relationship as a technique of resolving problems inherent in the social structure and an alternative to extreme respect or avoidance. He says that: “a relation between two persons in which one is by custom permitted, and in some instances required, to tease or make fun of the other, who in turn is required to take no offence”. He further says that: “the joking relationship between affinal relatives close in age is that sexuality is spoken about or expressed in gestures which seems to anticipate a future sex relationship” (Radcliffe-Brown 1952:90-104). While the ethnographic literature frequently makes mention of joking, sexual license, or obligations between specified members of a society, among the Luguru of Tanganyika all three of these behavior patterns are to be found in a relationship. For example, “a man may jokingly grab a woman’s cloth and attempt to disrobe her, and a good-natured tug-of-war or wrestling may result. A woman may deride a man about his lack of sexual prowess, and imply that he is sterile or impotent. He may respond with an invitation to accompany her in order to demonstrate his virility. The fact that a man is married does not prohibit him from indulging in a jesting conversation with sexual overtones, particularly with unmarried woman. However, it is considered bad form for a man to make suggestive or obscene remarks to a married woman, unless her husband is present” (Christensen 1963:1316).Different people feel differently about the place of their sexual intercourse. One of the reasons for the origin of youth dormitories in tribal societies (Ex. The Muria Ghonds of Madhya Pradesh) is that the parents do not want to be witnessed by their children during their sexual intercourse at home. While the Muria Ghonds juveniles have their sexual urge fulfilled in the youth dormitories. After the weaning has effected, The Muduvars, and the Malai Malasars children sleep in bachelor or, young maiden halls respectively, and thus, the parents are undisturbed during nights in their houses (Ehrenfels 1952:203).
Similar cases reveal the peculiar sex behaviour and the status of women, where whom being deemed as sex objects or, symbols. Thus, Linton (1939:138, 164-165) wrote that the Marquesan woman was mainly a sexual object; she had to concentrate on the development of sexual techniques and the maintenance of certain sexual attributes, which leave little time for the tenderness that must be given to children. He further claimed that the Marquesan women did not nurse offspring but spoon fed them in a rather cruel fashion, so as not to ruin the appearance of their breasts.
The male circumcision is not unpopular but, treated as a cross-cultural oddity is a venerable Western tradition. Scholars, anthropologists in particular, have looked it as a cultural practice (Ex. Ashley-Montagu 1937, Singer and DeSole 1967, Firth 1936, Rubel et al. 1971, Hogbin 1970, Lewis 1980, Ucko 1969, Brewster 1919, Brown 1921, and Spencer and Gillen 1899), and most of them believed that such practices were fraught with the ethnocentric perils of revulsion, admiration, and exoticism. Female circumcision, partial or, total cutting away of the external female genitalia, has been practiced for centuries in parts of Africa, generally as one element of a rite of passage preparing young girls for womanhood and marriage. Often performed without anesthetic under septic conditions by lay practitioners with little or no knowledge of human anatomy or medicine, female circumcision can cause death or permanent health problems as well as severe pain. Despite these grave risks, its practitioners look it as an integral part of their cultural and ethnic identity, and some perceive it as a religious obligation. Female circumcision is currently practiced in at least 28 countries across the centre of Africa north of equator; it is not found in southern Africa or in the Arabic-speaking nations of North Africa, with the exception of Egypt. Female circumcision occurs among Muslims, Christians, animists and one Jewish sect, although no religion requires it (Althaus 1997). However, Gordon (1991) had documented cases of female circumcision and genital operations in Egypt and Sudan. What these concerns might be brings us to he most venerated explanation for mutilation operations – the rites of passage. In this constriction, the operation serves as a marker of the movement from child to adult, in which the similarity between male and female is removed, permitting a ritual differentiation of the sexes (Vann Gennep 1960 (1908):72).
There are three types of genital excision, although practices vary widely. In the first type, clitoridectomy, part or the entire clitoris is amputed, while in the second (often referred to as excision), both the clitoris and the labia minora are removed. Inflation, the third type, is the most severe. After excision of the clitoris and the labia minora, the labia majora are cut or scraped away to create raw surfaces, which are held in contact until they heal either by stitching the edges of the wound or by tying the legs together. As the wound heals, scar tissues joins the labia and covers the urethra and most of the vaginal orifice, leaving an opening that may be as small as a match stick for the passage of urine and menstrual blood (Reddy and Chandrasekaran 2002:155). While the practice of male circumcision is acclaimed as more hygienic, female circumcision (Althaus 1997) is creating lot of problems like frequent urinary infections, severe pain during sexual intercourse, and maternal mortality for females, for instance two African tribes namely, Potok, and Yoruba who have the habit of clitoridectomy (www.buzzle.com). Thus, Beidelman (1968) rightly said: “a man’s sexuality (as perpetuator of a lineage, but also as a husband and father within a household) and a woman’s fertility (as wife and mother to a lineage, but also as wife and mother in her own household) carry very wide and complex implications”.
In view of this, Beidelman (1968) also reported that: “A Nuer woman observes prohibitions after her marriage. She may start to wear a goatskin or sheepskin apron but she is not obliged to do so until she gives birth to her first child. Evans-Pritchard states in published correspondence to Fischer: Till marriage girls are naked. After marriage they wear a special little skirt, but may take it off when they please till they have had a child. After the birth of a child only their husbands see them naked in the privacy of a hut when the spouses sleep together”. After the birth of a child no woman goes naked in public again (Fischer 1964:63 and Evans-Pritchard I940:30)”. The same author wrote another sex-behaviour of Nuer women during initiation: “They drink beer and leap about behind the bullocks and there is a lot of horseplay. The women folk seize the penises of members of their husband’s age-set, the father of an initiated boy especially being subject to this treatment. They tie cord to the penises of the men and pull them while the men retaliate by tugging at the skin aprons of the wives of their age-mates. A man of the age-set of the father of an initiate will lift up the apron of his wife (the boy’s mother) and will utter a ceremonial cry into her vagina” Beidelman (1968).
The Nuer has rules of food abstinence between feuding groups, and between affines. It associates certain forms of sexuality with the ingestion of food, a symbolic connection made in a great many societies (Beidelman 1968). This relation is clearly shown by Evans-Pritchard: A youth is particularly careful not to be seen eating by unrelated girls: ‘If he is not making love to them, he may do so some time or to one of their relatives.’ When I asked whether it would matter if your sisters saw you eating, the reply was, ‘Do you make love to your sisters?’ Food must never be mentioned in the presence of girls, and a man will endure severe hunger rather than let them know that he has not eaten for a long time. It is a strict rule of Nuer society that the sexes, unless they are close kin, avoid each other in the matter of food. Nuer does not go near persons of the other sex when they are eating. A man may mention food but not sexual matters before kinswomen, and he may mention sexual matters but not food before unrelated girls (1951:55; 1947:117). Even before a young man has started to look for a bride he will not generally eat with most senior men, unless they are kin, because one of them might become his father-in-law. Once he has asked for a girl’s hand in marriage he may in no circumstances eat in her home, and the prohibition continues, sometimes greatly to his discomfort, until two or three children have been born, when it is relaxed by a formal ceremony if the parties are on good terms with one another.
The male circumcision is not unpopular but, treated as a cross-cultural oddity is a venerable Western tradition. Scholars, anthropologists in particular, have looked it as a cultural practice (Ex. Ashley-Montagu 1937, Singer and DeSole 1967, Firth 1936, Rubel et al. 1971, Hogbin 1970, Lewis 1980, Ucko 1969, Brewster 1919, Brown 1921, and Spencer and Gillen 1899), and most of them believed that such practices were fraught with the ethnocentric perils of revulsion, admiration, and exoticism. Female circumcision, partial or, total cutting away of the external female genitalia, has been practiced for centuries in parts of Africa, generally as one element of a rite of passage preparing young girls for womanhood and marriage. Often performed without anesthetic under septic conditions by lay practitioners with little or no knowledge of human anatomy or medicine, female circumcision can cause death or permanent health problems as well as severe pain. Despite these grave risks, its practitioners look it as an integral part of their cultural and ethnic identity, and some perceive it as a religious obligation. Female circumcision is currently practiced in at least 28 countries across the centre of Africa north of equator; it is not found in southern Africa or in the Arabic-speaking nations of North Africa, with the exception of Egypt. Female circumcision occurs among Muslims, Christians, animists and one Jewish sect, although no religion requires it (Althaus 1997). However, Gordon (1991) had documented cases of female circumcision and genital operations in Egypt and Sudan. What these concerns might be brings us to he most venerated explanation for mutilation operations – the rites of passage. In this constriction, the operation serves as a marker of the movement from child to adult, in which the similarity between male and female is removed, permitting a ritual differentiation of the sexes (Vann Gennep 1960 (1908):72).
There are three types of genital excision, although practices vary widely. In the first type, clitoridectomy, part or the entire clitoris is amputed, while in the second (often referred to as excision), both the clitoris and the labia minora are removed. Inflation, the third type, is the most severe. After excision of the clitoris and the labia minora, the labia majora are cut or scraped away to create raw surfaces, which are held in contact until they heal either by stitching the edges of the wound or by tying the legs together. As the wound heals, scar tissues joins the labia and covers the urethra and most of the vaginal orifice, leaving an opening that may be as small as a match stick for the passage of urine and menstrual blood (Reddy and Chandrasekaran 2002:155). While the practice of male circumcision is acclaimed as more hygienic, female circumcision (Althaus 1997) is creating lot of problems like frequent urinary infections, severe pain during sexual intercourse, and maternal mortality for females, for instance two African tribes namely, Potok, and Yoruba who have the habit of clitoridectomy (www.buzzle.com). Thus, Beidelman (1968) rightly said: “a man’s sexuality (as perpetuator of a lineage, but also as a husband and father within a household) and a woman’s fertility (as wife and mother to a lineage, but also as wife and mother in her own household) carry very wide and complex implications”.
In view of this, Beidelman (1968) also reported that: “A Nuer woman observes prohibitions after her marriage. She may start to wear a goatskin or sheepskin apron but she is not obliged to do so until she gives birth to her first child. Evans-Pritchard states in published correspondence to Fischer: Till marriage girls are naked. After marriage they wear a special little skirt, but may take it off when they please till they have had a child. After the birth of a child only their husbands see them naked in the privacy of a hut when the spouses sleep together”. After the birth of a child no woman goes naked in public again (Fischer 1964:63 and Evans-Pritchard I940:30)”. The same author wrote another sex-behaviour of Nuer women during initiation: “They drink beer and leap about behind the bullocks and there is a lot of horseplay. The women folk seize the penises of members of their husband’s age-set, the father of an initiated boy especially being subject to this treatment. They tie cord to the penises of the men and pull them while the men retaliate by tugging at the skin aprons of the wives of their age-mates. A man of the age-set of the father of an initiate will lift up the apron of his wife (the boy’s mother) and will utter a ceremonial cry into her vagina” Beidelman (1968).
The Nuer has rules of food abstinence between feuding groups, and between affines. It associates certain forms of sexuality with the ingestion of food, a symbolic connection made in a great many societies (Beidelman 1968). This relation is clearly shown by Evans-Pritchard: A youth is particularly careful not to be seen eating by unrelated girls: ‘If he is not making love to them, he may do so some time or to one of their relatives.’ When I asked whether it would matter if your sisters saw you eating, the reply was, ‘Do you make love to your sisters?’ Food must never be mentioned in the presence of girls, and a man will endure severe hunger rather than let them know that he has not eaten for a long time. It is a strict rule of Nuer society that the sexes, unless they are close kin, avoid each other in the matter of food. Nuer does not go near persons of the other sex when they are eating. A man may mention food but not sexual matters before kinswomen, and he may mention sexual matters but not food before unrelated girls (1951:55; 1947:117). Even before a young man has started to look for a bride he will not generally eat with most senior men, unless they are kin, because one of them might become his father-in-law. Once he has asked for a girl’s hand in marriage he may in no circumstances eat in her home, and the prohibition continues, sometimes greatly to his discomfort, until two or three children have been born, when it is relaxed by a formal ceremony if the parties are on good terms with one another.
Source: http://www.GutterUncensored.com
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Bollywood Actress Katrina Kaif’s Sister Isabel Kaif’s Leaked Sex Scandal Video
Sparks can certainly fly and there can be wonderful spells of romantic undertaking even in the sultry summer evenings.
And summer can be the best time to discover the bliss of togetherness. All you need to do is to make sure that you’ve got the right ingredients to make the nights and days too, sizzle. Read on…
When I read the news that Paul McCartney is going to remarry, it brought to mind the challenge and trepidation so many people feel today about their prospects for keeping a love relationship alive. Whether entering a new relationship, like the former Beatle who’s about to turn 69, or hoping to resurrect one from the dead zone, the old adage that remarriage is a “triumph of hope over experience” can give anyone pause.
Even worse, some become outright despairing and cynical about love relationships in general. That became evident to me from some of the comments and emails I received about my previous post, in which I explained why most relationship advice doesn’t really help. There, I argued that most “expert advice” mistakenly focuses on techniques rather than on the relationship’s spiritual core – your sense of purpose and life goals as a couple, and how your values and ideals change and evolve over the years. The challenge is whether these and other spiritual dimensions are in synch.
Here, I want to point out one particular practice — a perspective, really — that helps build or resuscitate a relationship’s spiritual connection: learning to “forget yourself” when relating to your partner. I’ve described this more generally in a previous post, but it’s especially helpful for bringing a supply of fresh energy into a relationship, to keep it alive and growing. By “forgetting yourself” I’m referring to a conscious choice to behave in ways that serve and support your partner rather than just yourself. By doing that, you’re strengthening the relationship between the two of you — which is really a third entity, with a life of its own. Mary, a 45-year-old in a 15-year marriage, illustrated that when she said to her husband, “I still love you, but I hate our relationship.”
In fact, learning to “forget yourself” in your relationship is linked with long-term positive emotions. Research shows that the latter are a powerful antidote to stress, pain and illness throughout life and are associated with proactive attitudes and behavior in general — all elements of psychological health. Moreover, learning to “forget yourself” is crucial for reasons that relate to our evolutionary heritage and our social and psychological conditioning within current culture.
Here’s what I mean: Research into the evolutionary basis of intimate relationships indicates that humans (and some other primates, such as the bonobos) are highly sexual and social creatures. Evolution may have created intertwined needs for sexual and social connections with more than one partner at the same time. In other words, such researchindicates that monogamy may not be “hard-wired.” Nevertheless, it can become a conscious desire and choice. Such a capacity is also part of our potential for continued evolution.
Our psychological and social conditioning also creates challenges for enduring, positive relationships. We learn to relate to intimate partners as commodities and engage in transactional, mercantile terms: I give in order to get; invest in the relationship to receive a return. Relationships have become another part of a commercialized, consumer-orientation approach to life in which someone wins and someone loses.
That orientation is part of what I called our “adolescent model of love.” It includes learning to hide yourself; self-serving goals of gaining power and control over the other; and in many cases repeating the dysfunctional relationships that many people had growing up in their families, like feeling loved only when performing or behaving in ways desired by parents, and subsequently by the larger society.
Of course, that damages people’s capacity for healthy relationships and healthy living in general. In fact, based on research and clinical work on the role of childhood experiences in the development of the brain and behavior, Gabor Mate, M.D. has argued that that current society is so addicted to work and consumerism that it has undermined conditions necessary for healthy childhood development.
In general, our overall way of life has pointed us in the wrong direction, away from growth and health. Consequently, relationship advice ignores the spiritual core of the relationship because it’s grounded in embracing the same self-interest and cultural narcissism that’s rampant. That deadens relationships over time. For example, much of the relationship advice about sex falters because the relationship has become fragmented, one in which sex has become a disembodied activity apart from the rest of the relationship. Then, people feel disheartened to see surveys that show that sex ebbs away in a long-term relationship. But in fact, the data indicate that that happens when partners are emotionally and spiritually disengaged from each other to begin with, when the “parts” of their relationship are not integrated.
But there’s also evidence that we can evolve in healthier directions, that consciousness enables us to evolve psychologically toward attitudes, emotions and behaviors that we desire. That includes an enriched spiritual connection and continued growth with an intimate partner. In fact, the 21st century — with its unpredictable, unstable, economic and political conditions and an increasingly diverse, highly interconnected and networked world — actually makes conscious evolution both more necessary and possible.
That is, the 21st-century events of 9/11 and the economic decline of 2008 turned our old way of life on its head — in love, in work and in our sense of life purpose. That’s opened the door to new ways of thinking, feeling and behaving that serve larger, common goals, beyond our old self-centered ones. Overall, I think we’re in the midst of a large-scale shift toward behavior and values that reflect more awareness of our interconnection and interdependency throughout the planet, and of the fact that people’s actions everywhere and anywhere affect everyone in every place.
People are awakening to the reality that “success” and well-being throughout life are now based on values and actions that sustain and build something of value for the larger good — whether in your work or in your intimate partnership. That’s different from seeking to control and extract from the other what you want for oneself.
‘Forgetting Yourself’ In Your Relationship
A simple step: Ask yourself how you feel when you do something or give something to someone who really enjoys and appreciates, what you give — whether it’s emotional or material. You probably recognize that it just feels good, period. That’s the model for fueling positive energy in a relationship, because such action comes from the heart, for the sake of giving, without regard for getting something back. You might ask, “Doesn’t ‘forgetting yourself’ run the risk of being taken advantage of?” Sure it does. But that would tell you something about the kind of partner you’ve connected with to begin with. It’s something to learn from (see my post about doing a “relationship inventory“).
Studies of couples who are able to maintain a highly positive, energized connection for the long term indicate that they “forget” themselves and engage in serving the relationship itself. Interestingly, brain scans of couples in long-term love find similarities between them and couples who had just fallen madly in love. The energy stays healthy and alive.
Here are two practices that couples who maintain long-term connections have in common:
- Two-way communication and openness. This is the opposite of the CFO who, when informed that his subordinates complained about a lack of two-way communication, said cluelessly, “But I do provide two-way communication: I send e-mails and I tell them in person.” No, this refers to being open in the sense of receptivity to what your partner is experiencing and communicating to you, and being open in the active sense of revealing your own thoughts, concerns, fears and so on. Two-way openness is the antidote to conventional, relationship-killing vying for power over the other. It supports building positive emotions within yourself and toward your partner, and new research shows that positive emotions are a powerful antidote to stress, pain and illness. An ongoing positive attitude can protect against poor health later in life.
- Collaboration toward joint, common goals. This is certainly visible in the most successful, contemporary workplaces. For relationships, the common goal isn’t a new killer app or a new service but rather a high-energy, engaged connection between equals — emotionally, spiritually and physically. In fact, research shows that shared decision making between equal partners actually leads to better decisions. Similarly, brain scans of couples who’ve maintained long-term, positive marriages show activation in areas of the brain that indicate strong connections and engagement. Overall, positive connection around the common goal of the relationship itself is associated with long-term vitality and energy.
In short, a living, growing relationship is an ongoing, flowing energy exchange, emotionally, behaviorally and sexually. Deepak Chopra provides a good description of this in “Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul,” writing that “[the] difference between healthy and unhealthy energy can be summarized as follows: Healthy energy is flowing, flexible, dynamic, balanced, soft, associated with positive feelings. Unhealthy energy is stuck, frozen, rigid, brittle, hard, out of balance, associated with negative emotions.”
Chopra adds that people have the capacity to shift an unhealthy energy state into a healthy one. And that’s a good description of retrieving a relationship from the dead zone and bringing it back into the realm of the living.
Ice ice baby:
A cube of ice, if used as a prop with imagination, can work wonders. Pick one of the ice cubes from the freezer and let it act as a tool of foreplay. How? Use your imagination – hold the ice cube in your mouth and begin by trying to plant a kiss and then simply put – carry forward if the formula clicks.
A cube of ice, if used as a prop with imagination, can work wonders. Pick one of the ice cubes from the freezer and let it act as a tool of foreplay. How? Use your imagination – hold the ice cube in your mouth and begin by trying to plant a kiss and then simply put – carry forward if the formula clicks.
Summer coolers:
Is there any better mode of seduction than wearing a translucent top? Make sure that it is wet enough to tempt your partner to take notice of what you want to say. What about wrapping yourself up in a damp towel just before going to sleep? If you have a water bed, fill it up with cold water. And then let the chemistry sizzle. Remember, cold is hot.
Is there any better mode of seduction than wearing a translucent top? Make sure that it is wet enough to tempt your partner to take notice of what you want to say. What about wrapping yourself up in a damp towel just before going to sleep? If you have a water bed, fill it up with cold water. And then let the chemistry sizzle. Remember, cold is hot.
The morning after:
If the long summer day makes you feel pooped out during the night, don’t worry. Both of you can make some effort to get up a tad early. Well, an ice cold coffee topped with vanilla flavored ice cream can act as an appetizer. What about sharing the coffee together?
If the long summer day makes you feel pooped out during the night, don’t worry. Both of you can make some effort to get up a tad early. Well, an ice cold coffee topped with vanilla flavored ice cream can act as an appetizer. What about sharing the coffee together?
So, indulge yourself. Fantasize. Buy yourself something that will melt with the sweat ’cause ‘salty is sexy’. What is food without salt anyway? Marriage seems to be bad for your sex life. Couples who have sex over four times a week before theirwedding, barely have it once a week three years after tying the knot, a survey in Britain has found.
Researchers found that before marriage, couples can hope to have sex more than four times a week. But after three years of married life, there is a dramatic drop in their sex life and most couples have sex just once every seven days.
The survey was conducted among 3,000 married couple.
Six out of ten couples think that marriage has completely ruined the excitement of having sex, Daily Mail reported.
Another astounding result of the survey was that just below half of all married couples said that their relationship was more like friends than lovers.
“Unfortunately, while you can be deeply in love with someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them, it is also possible to want more from the relationship,” a spokesman for extra-marital dating service www.lovinglinks.co.uk was quoted as saying.
“A partner might be supportive, funny, intelligent, and kind, but if they don’t inspire confidence in the bedroom, or don’t meet expectations, sexually life can be frustrating,” he added.
He said: “It is at times like this when eyes start to wander, and folks start to think about having a no-strings affair with someone else…We have good reason to believe many relationships are strengthened by a little out-of-marriage activity.”
The survey revealed that 59 percent of couples think that their sex life had worsened after marriage.
Incidentally, eight in ten couples were in a sexual rut by having sex at the same time, in the same place and in the same positions every time they slept together.
As a matter of fact, 79 percent of the respondents were happier getting a good night’s sleep than making the effort to have spontaneous sex in the middle of the night.
Two thirds of the couples who had an affair admitted that sex was mind-blowing compared to the once-a-week sex with their husband or wife.
A fifth were ready to have a one-night stand if the opportunity presented itself or if their sex life with their partner didn’t improve. And nearly a quarter said they had a one-night stand to satisfy their craving for good sex.
The Loving Links spokesman said: “Modern marriages are becoming a little more open where sex is concerned, and these days we are quicker to forgive if someone has a little one-night stand.”
The results of the survey showed that almost two thirds of the respondents blamed their hectic lifestyle for their unhappy sex life and 80 percent were often too tired to bother once the day is over.
Here is a chick from from Malaysia posing in some sexy pictures for her boyfriend and getting very intimate with him. She does a nice job showing off her underwear collection too..
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