When my dad came out to me, it wasn’t his being gay that was a shock. It was the fact that I’d spent two decades of my life thinking he was straight. I mean, what was I supposed to think? He was my dad, married to my mom for 25 years. After he revealed the truth (to my mother first, then to me two years later), I went into panic mode: How close could I really be to my dad when he was keeping a secret that huge from us? Did I really know him — could I, when he was putting so much effort into hiding who he was?
There had been signs all along, of course — I realize that now. I see that a lot of the tension I felt as a kid had to do with the secret my dad kept, which my mom unconsciously guarded. In the early 90s, and my dad was obsessed with Madonna and Euro-pop. He stayed in shape running Marathons and flaunted his lean body in a Speedo at our beach house in Sag Harbor. When I got to be a teenager, my peers started to notice. I remember that my childhood BFF thought there was something different and distant about my dad. My eighth grade boyfriend pointed out that my dad wore an earring (which does not mean you are gay, but to a teen boy well-tuned into to stereotypes about men, it was undeniable proof). “So?!” I said. I guess I, like my mom, was guarding the secret, too. My dad was living a split identity: He was a husband and father in a better Brooklyn neighborhood than the one in which he’d grown up, and he was an eligible gay man, frequenting night clubs like The Slide, Webster Hall and Twilo, as I’d later come to find out.
While sexuality doesn’t make up our entire identity, it does vastly define us. For me, a byproduct of growing up with a closeted gay dad was that men became puzzles to me. What was going on in there? Did I know anything about how they worked? I started to look at all of them as mysteries to be solved, which meant that I often dated withholding men, men who came tangled up in their own issues. The more issues they had, the more withholding they were, the more ferociously I would chase them, like a child determined to solve a riddle.
My first love was a skateboarder who played Casper in the 1995 movie Kids. The relationship was fraught with angst, as the more he pulled away, the more needy I became. He was troubled, and I wanted desperately to fix him. I couldn’t. Then there was the married man with whom I had an affair — granted, he was in an open marriage — an arrangement I neither understood nor was completely comfortable with. Yet I stayed because I found the situation intriguing. After him, I dated a string of men who were always missing something, and I could never figure out what that something was. Sometimes they’d disappear for weeks on end, and then reappear like their desertion was the most normal thing in the world. Usually, these men were incredibly intense, and the time I’d spend with them would leave me enraptured with the attention they paid me. But, they would often have a “flickering conscience” — sometimes being kind and moral, other times being cruel and opportunistic. I was always wondering, is this guy for real? And who is he?
Unfortunately, my dad’s coming out didn’t instantly make all men less mysterious me. However, understanding this part of him — his sexuality, no longer obscured — helped me get to know the man my father is.
Coming out allowed him to be open with me about the rest of his life. He’s a beekeeper, a chef, an uncle; he’s helped thousands of kids throughout his 40 of work in the New York City Department of Education. Many of the things he appreciates — curiosity, a good bottle of Chianti, mystery novels, gardening — I value, too. How couldn’t I? I’m his daughter. Like any other daughter, my identity was shaped by my dad’s — first as a little girl, then as a teen, and then finally as an adult.
I’m realizing that I want to be seen and known for who I am — a writer, godmother, sister, friend, plant lover, cheese enthusiast, activist, fashionista, and Latin scholar. I’m also someone who doesn’t want to have to figure out who the person is I’m giving myself to intimately. I’m a gift, like all women are, and it’s nice for a man to show some interest in unwrapping me for a change.
I may not know everything about men these days, but accepting my dad for who he is, has become a relief: I no longer have the burden of figuring out the mystery. Next month he’ll wed his longtime partner at their summer home in upstate New York. The bees will be there, and so will I.
This is my third and final post in the ‘I can’t stop thinking about sex’ series. This post explores the idea of sacred sex. My intention is to offer hope and inspiration to those who are still caught up in the myths about love and sex propagated by the media such that the experience of sacred sex becomes a worthy and meaningful goal. While this post is primarily intended to reach out to and reassure men who are struggling to integrate their sexuality with their quest for spiritual enlightenment, female readers may nevertheless glean some useful insights from the ideas presented.
Most men (have allowed themselves to be conditioned by society to) believe that carnal sex is life’s ultimate pleasure and thus find it nigh impossible to move beyond this lower-level rung of the ladder of sex consciousness. If you are in a long-term relationship with a woman and yet find yourself tempted to engage in sexual relations with other women (even if this takes place only in your imagination), you are not ready to know and experience sacred sex. It requires a level of spiritual maturity that is typically associated with the attainment (or near attainment) of enlightenment – the full and complete awakening to one’s Christ or Buddha Self. Another way of putting it is, until you know who you really are (rather than who you think you are), you cannot know sacred sex.
Enlightenment (and thus sacred sex) is available to every human being on the planet. However, only those who have chosen to transcend their ego self (including the ego sexual self) can experience it; there are no short cuts. Speaking as one of the most highly sexed beings on the planet (see Part 2 for more on this), I truly understand the difficulties that many of you are facing when it comes to transcending your desire for carnal sex. What held me back for so long was the fear of an anticipated sense of loss; the idea that I would somehow be ‘missing out on the fun’ if I were to let go of the perceived need to sow my wild oats. I am now in a position to state with absolute clarity that there is nothing to lose and everything to gain. Carnal sex is an illusion and a lie. It is a symptom of socially manufactured unhappiness. It is as dangerous and addictive as a Class A drug; the more you experience it, the more you crave it. It offers no long-lasting satisfaction or fulfilment. The ecstasy that it promises is fleeting and momentary.
The joy experienced through sacred sex, on the other hand, is infinite and eternal. It gives rise to authentic, long-lasting happiness because it takes place on a supporting mattress of unconditional self-love. I tell you this: it is possible for a single experience of sacred sex to be sufficient to last you an entire lifetime.
So what is sacred sex?
Sacred sex may be defined as the energetic union of two self-realised (or near self-realised) human beings for the purpose of celebrating the Joy of Life. It is a co-creative journey into the highest states of ecstasy and bliss under the unconditionally loving direction of the Intuitive Mind. There is no ‘end point’; the journey itself is the only destination. And the journey unfolds in stages – rather like the chapters of a book – over the course of weeks, months and years. The actual physical actions of the couple during sacred sex are largely irrelevant in the sense that there is no right or wrong way to engage with each other. Sacred sex is not a mental activity. At no point, for example, would the man ever be asking himself, am I pleasing her? There is no place for the ego in sacred sex. Both parties trust their intuitive instincts to guide them. If a couple are ‘meant’ to be in a sacred sexual relationship – and this will be self-evident from the moment they first set eyes upon one another – then their intuitive minds operate as one, ensuring that they both feel, at all times and in all places, safe and comfortable with the actions of their partner.
Sacred sex is a form of meditaction (meditative action), the “c” in this word representing compassion. Sacred sex does not necessarily involve vaginal penetration or ejaculation. It does not even require both parties to be naked. All that matters (materialises) is an underlying intention of compassion. Such a compassionate state of being comes naturally and effortlessly to the self-realised individual.
Remember, I cannot reveal the Truth to you with words. Words arise from the rational mind and are no more than signposts. Truth can only be experienced. However, I will try to be a little more specific about what I mean by a “self-realised individual”. I am referring to an in-dependent (inwardly dependent), self-loving and self-respecting person. Such an individual knows (as evidenced by the example that he sets for others) that he and he alone is responsible for his own happiness; that all the love in the Universe resides within his own heart. He does not seek love or approval from the exterior world. He does not engage in the drama (mind games) that characterise most human relationships. He knows that to love another is to want that other to be happy and free (even if he himself cannot be part of that happiness). He knows that he is responsible for everythingthat occurs within his world: all circumstances, conditions, situations and events, including those occurring on a global scale. He is a conscious co-creator of reality.
There is no such thing as being ‘in love’ with another
Love is a condition, a state of being. Love is who you really are. Life is an opportunity to be love. A person claiming to be ‘in love’ with another person is in a state of self-delusion. They are living a mental fantasy. “I am in lust” would be a more accurate statement. “I do not know myself to be love and have fooled myself into believing that I have found it in another” would be even more accurate. As I have stated in several of my previous posts, the world is not; you alone are. Anything that you perceive in your exterior world is a reflection of something in your inner world. The other person with whom you claim to be ‘in love’ is a reflection of yourself. “She makes me happy” or “He completes me” are bullshit statements. The only reason the other person appears to make you happy (in the early stages of the relationship, at least) is because you are focusing only on the positive aspects of their personality. Since they are only ever reflecting back aspects of yourself, this means you are focusing on your positive aspects. That’s why you feel good in their presence! But what happens when this person is not physically present? You long to spend more time with them. You become dependent on them to feel good about yourself. And what happens when the rose-tinted spectacles have been removed and you start seeing all your negative aspects in the mirror that they are holding before you? You file for divorce.
A self-realised individual is whole and complete in himself. The Universal Law of Attraction automatically brings other whole and complete individuals into his experience and, if he so desires, he may choose to commit to one of these individuals in the form of a sacred marriage (not to be confused with religious or legal marriage). The love that exists between the two persons is independent and freeing. There is no need to be in one another’s presence to feel loved. There is no co-dependency. There is no unhealthy attachment. There is no drama because they are always honest with themselves and each other. There is no need to compromise because both individuals are always being true to themselves. Their relationship is eternally peaceful and harmonious. They are best friends before they are lovers (if, indeed, they choose to become lovers). They reflect and enhance the love and joy that they already feel within their respective hearts, thus serving as inspirational role models for the rest of humanity. Typically, they join forces to work together on a divine mission that will serve Planet Earth.
I am very blessed to be in such a relationship myself. As described above, my ‘someone special’ and I are two whole and complete individuals. We feel each other’s love in our hearts such that – even when we are thousands of miles apart – there is no sense of separation. The spiritual connection between us is beyond profound. When I think of her and smile, she knows. And I know that she knows. We are always together because we know that we reside in one another’s hearts. We are One with ourselves, One with the Universe and One with Life. Some might call us ‘soul mates’ (an over-used and little understood term – more on this in a later post) but I prefer to think of us as Soul Reflections. We are Mirrors of Joy in which to view ourselves. We are enhancers of each other’s own happiness. I see my own love reflected and magnified in her eyes. She sees her own love reflected and magnified in mine. Our relationship is beautiful and sacred… which brings us back to the subject of this post.
What does sacred sex involve?
Given that the primary intention of this post is to reach out to fellow male spiritual seekers, I will be presenting ideas here primarily from the male’s perspective. Sacred sex is certainly possible between same-sex couples but I am limiting my discussions here to the heterosexual context since I choose to teach on the basis of my personal experience alone. Moreover, if you are interested in engaging in a sacred sexual relationship with yourself, please refer to the ‘meditative masturbation’ section in Part 2 of this series of posts.
Sacred sex begins by viewing the woman’s body as if it were the most sacred, fragile and delicate flower in the entire Universe. Each and every inch of her body is to be shown the utmost reverence and respect. The woman is to be treated like a goddess. But this is not a superficial game of “let’s pretend”. The man treats the woman like a goddess because – in his eyes – she is a goddess. Certainly, there is no sign of the aggression that can sometimes characterise the man’s attitude towards a woman’s body during carnal sex. That is not to say that sacred sex is not sensual or passionate. On the contrary, it is infinitely more sensual and passionate than carnal sex! But it requires, above all else, compassion.
Unlike carnal sex, there is no rush to ‘get down to it’ because there is no destination or goal. As I mentioned above, sacred sex is a form of meditaction. All notions of time and space fade away as the couple step fully into the present moment and celebrate life through the intimate sharing and exploration of one another’s bodies. It is not unusual for a single session of sacred sex to last several hours and much of this time is spent on what – in carnal sex terms – would be called ‘foreplay’. But the foreplay in sacred sex is not the appetiser
before the entrée; it is the meditaction itself.READMOREhttp://malaysiaonlinetoday.wordpress.com/2012/06/21/umi-hafilda-says-having-carnal-sex-with-papagomo-is-lifes-ultimate-pleasure/
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