Have we fallen out of the idea of love?
Perfect is too conclusive a word, pompous with a degree of finality that’s unexciting. So, let’s not ask anyone if they have a perfect marriage; perfection is not possible.
If you have a ‘good marriage,’ that is good enough. So, do you?
If you have never wondered about this, chances are you are as close to perfection as can be. For, you have accepted your spouse as an unquestionable part of your life, and that is more than half the battle won. However, if you worry often about the state of your relationship, you have acceptance issues. The reasons could be to do with your spouse, your own attitude, or with the chemistry between you two. Here are some tips that will help you cruise along smoothly.
Communication is critical
Talk to each other about your feelings, problems, thoughts, dreams and your present and future together. Discuss how you would like to deal with various issues and promote your togetherness. Listening is as important as talking. You don’t communicate with just words, but even through silence, gestures, touch, thoughtfulness, respect and attention to your partner. If at all there must be silences between you, let these be companionable rather than moody and sulky ones.
Talk to each other about your feelings, problems, thoughts, dreams and your present and future together. Discuss how you would like to deal with various issues and promote your togetherness. Listening is as important as talking. You don’t communicate with just words, but even through silence, gestures, touch, thoughtfulness, respect and attention to your partner. If at all there must be silences between you, let these be companionable rather than moody and sulky ones.
Don’t hang all expectations on one peg
Expectations can be a heavy cross to bear. Also, when you expect irrationally, you are bound to have major disappointments. Gauge rationally what you can expect from your partner and fulfill the rest of your needs from other aspects of life. Give your partner breathing space and learn to respect his/her differences.
Expectations can be a heavy cross to bear. Also, when you expect irrationally, you are bound to have major disappointments. Gauge rationally what you can expect from your partner and fulfill the rest of your needs from other aspects of life. Give your partner breathing space and learn to respect his/her differences.
Don’t avoid confrontations
Some arguments are good for a healthy marriage and making up later is always wonderful. Do not push issues under the carpet; air them out once in a while. When confronted by your partner, do not stonewall or react temperamentally. Rather, listen carefully and engage in a rational discussion, allowing space for talking as well as listening, and for compromise. Do not be abusive or physically violent, nor accept this from your partner.
Some arguments are good for a healthy marriage and making up later is always wonderful. Do not push issues under the carpet; air them out once in a while. When confronted by your partner, do not stonewall or react temperamentally. Rather, listen carefully and engage in a rational discussion, allowing space for talking as well as listening, and for compromise. Do not be abusive or physically violent, nor accept this from your partner.
Challenge hurtful behaviour
Very often we are too embarrassed or shocked to protest against behaviour that hurts or humiliates us. Most women in an abusive marriage confess they never protested, because they felt ashamed. Do not make that mistake. Refuse to be trampled upon or taken for granted. Be clear about your own needs, feelings and the things you will not accept in the relationship.
Very often we are too embarrassed or shocked to protest against behaviour that hurts or humiliates us. Most women in an abusive marriage confess they never protested, because they felt ashamed. Do not make that mistake. Refuse to be trampled upon or taken for granted. Be clear about your own needs, feelings and the things you will not accept in the relationship.
Make time for each other
Love grows with moments of togetherness and shared memories. Remember the warmth that courses through you when you talk about shared happy times with each other? Go out on dates and trips together. Carve out ‘together’ time within your home. Ensure that you do not use this time to air grievances; treat it as sacrosanct.
Love grows with moments of togetherness and shared memories. Remember the warmth that courses through you when you talk about shared happy times with each other? Go out on dates and trips together. Carve out ‘together’ time within your home. Ensure that you do not use this time to air grievances; treat it as sacrosanct.
Learn to trust and respect
Do you nag? Are you overtly suspicious? These are sure ways to create problems in a marriage where there may be none. Be alert and intelligent, but do not swing your sword Don Quixote style, where there is no problem. A good way is to start out with trust and faith in your heart, unless you are faced with irrefutable evidence to the contrary.
Do you nag? Are you overtly suspicious? These are sure ways to create problems in a marriage where there may be none. Be alert and intelligent, but do not swing your sword Don Quixote style, where there is no problem. A good way is to start out with trust and faith in your heart, unless you are faced with irrefutable evidence to the contrary.
Follow your dreams and create your own space
Your own happiness and contentment is one of the most critical ingredients of a happy marriage. Do not put your goals on the backburner. Take them with you as you go along. If you ignore your own ambitions, you will end up frustrated and vent your feelings on those around.
Your own happiness and contentment is one of the most critical ingredients of a happy marriage. Do not put your goals on the backburner. Take them with you as you go along. If you ignore your own ambitions, you will end up frustrated and vent your feelings on those around.
Marriage, like any other relationship, needs consistent attention. Draw your lines and lay down the rules, and then have a fun and secure relationship within your comfort zone.
The Muslim marriage puzzle, it seems, is something everyone is trying to figure out.
Could it be that American Muslims fallen out of love with the idea of love?
Abdullah Antepli, a Muslim Chaplain at Duke University thinks so. He says college-aged students have a long checklist of things to accomplish and looking for love is not one of the “things to do.” They do not believe they can have it all – love, a family, a marriage, a profession, so they delay getting married. And if and when they are ready to start thinking about marrying, many an obstacle arises.
Young Muslims must balance cultural and religious values while in an American-Muslim identity, and they are only beginning to figure out how marriage fits in, Antepli said. American-Muslims are tiptoeing around how to meet and interact someone of the opposite sex and same faith without crossing religious edict but they are also dealing with familial and cultural expectations of what qualities they should find in a “special someone.”“There’s a group of us who basically move out of everything traditional and establish the institution of marriage within an American framework,” Antepli said. “Or there’s a group of us, who unfortunately have developed a nostalgic utopia that’s neither Islamic nor real nor rational that basically looks for those ideals and reflects where you want to be, not where you are.”Antepli says American-Muslims must “create a space so that relationships will form in an American-Muslim way to fall in love with each other.”So what is an American and Muslim way of finding a better-half? Sure, there are speed-meeting events and online matrimonial web sites for Muslims. There are also traditional matchmaking options available, but these matchmakers are usually focused only on their respective ethnic communities. In the South Asian diaspora, matchmakers are called “aunties,” women who have the best intentions at heart to fix-up couples. Aunties will act as a go-between for families trying to find a match for their son or daughter. A woman’s weight, skin color, height, profession, educational status, connection to culture and religion, domestic skills are all scrutinized before boy meets girl.
Could it be that American Muslims fallen out of love with the idea of love?
Abdullah Antepli, a Muslim Chaplain at Duke University thinks so. He says college-aged students have a long checklist of things to accomplish and looking for love is not one of the “things to do.” They do not believe they can have it all – love, a family, a marriage, a profession, so they delay getting married. And if and when they are ready to start thinking about marrying, many an obstacle arises.
Young Muslims must balance cultural and religious values while in an American-Muslim identity, and they are only beginning to figure out how marriage fits in, Antepli said. American-Muslims are tiptoeing around how to meet and interact someone of the opposite sex and same faith without crossing religious edict but they are also dealing with familial and cultural expectations of what qualities they should find in a “special someone.”“There’s a group of us who basically move out of everything traditional and establish the institution of marriage within an American framework,” Antepli said. “Or there’s a group of us, who unfortunately have developed a nostalgic utopia that’s neither Islamic nor real nor rational that basically looks for those ideals and reflects where you want to be, not where you are.”Antepli says American-Muslims must “create a space so that relationships will form in an American-Muslim way to fall in love with each other.”So what is an American and Muslim way of finding a better-half? Sure, there are speed-meeting events and online matrimonial web sites for Muslims. There are also traditional matchmaking options available, but these matchmakers are usually focused only on their respective ethnic communities. In the South Asian diaspora, matchmakers are called “aunties,” women who have the best intentions at heart to fix-up couples. Aunties will act as a go-between for families trying to find a match for their son or daughter. A woman’s weight, skin color, height, profession, educational status, connection to culture and religion, domestic skills are all scrutinized before boy meets girl.
For many South Asian American-Muslim women, finding a soul mate is like being on dizzying episodes of “Survivor” and “The Bachelor” combined into one. Instead of men and women asking each other what they want out of a spouse, it is almost like the auntie is standing in the middle of the room with a rose in hand but she will kick you off the island if you do not meet the criteria. A college-educated woman who can cook a mean biryani, fry a samosa, blend a mango lassi and start whipping up a halwa all in 60 minutes and who also volunteers at a health clinic, may be just the domestic goddess someone’s looking for— or not. Some aunties think being the American version of famous Pakistani TV chef Shireen Anwar is not enough, she has to speak Urdu too — therefore, she must pack her knives and go.Since many of the matchmakers use photos to determine attractiveness, even woman who can speak three languages including Urdu, has a Masters degree, is well-versed in everything from Islamic text to Jane Austen and who makes sandwiches for the local homeless shelter on the weekends might be out of luck simply because she is not fair-skinned — the South Asian standard of beauty.
The fact that a woman has lived away from her parents immediately sends the signal she is a wild child who parties every night. When it is more likely, the young woman in question barely has time for socializing between studying and work and sits home still wondering when Ted will meet his kids’ mother, already.Some women have been asked whether they wear hijab, others have been asked if they would be willing to take it off.Men go through this to some extent, too. Farrah Mohsin, who along with her family helps organize a speed-meeting event yearly in New York for Milanus.com, says mothers of women interested in attending often ask how many doctors or lawyers are registered to attend. However, with every story of matchmaking sessions gone awry, there are matchmaking successes. Women, for whom, Allah sent soul mates before they turned their tassels on college graduation day. Women, whose new husbands and families paid for their education or encouraged their continuing studies and work ambitions. Women, who long thought about wearing the hijab but did not when they said “I Do,” have been embraced by their husband and in-laws for her decision to wear one after marrying. And finally, there are women who check the 30+ boxes on the Census, who have found happiness with men who did not see an expiration date stamped to their foreheads.
If we are true to our faith, we know everything happens for a reason and we are not to question God’s pre-destined plan. Ultimately, He is our matchmaker, but there is no guaranteed soul mate or promised marital bliss. Not all of us will even want to marry, but for those who are searching for that special someone, as Antepli suggests, we need to create comfortable meeting spaces, free of judgment and preconceived notions of who is a “suitable match.”
If we are true to our faith, we know everything happens for a reason and we are not to question God’s pre-destined plan. Ultimately, He is our matchmaker, but there is no guaranteed soul mate or promised marital bliss. Not all of us will even want to marry, but for those who are searching for that special someone, as Antepli suggests, we need to create comfortable meeting spaces, free of judgment and preconceived notions of who is a “suitable match.”
Most men and women I know want to have a lot of sex. Hot sex. Passionate, interesting, refreshing sex is what we want.Passionate sex: Both parties are very “into” the sex, fully present and wanting to be nowhere else in the world than where they are while making love to each other.Interesting sex: Sex that is the opposite of boring — there is nothing routine about this sex. This is exciting sex. The sense is that something new is being discovered and experienced. Variety is the spice of life. It’s also the spice of sex.
Refreshing sex: Sex that leaves you feeling refreshed, relaxed, secure and not in any way stressed, ashamed or depleted (though you will feel triumphantly tired depending on how vigorous the pace of your sex).
Where do we get this kind of sex? How do we find it? How can we have it?
Many people (especially men) think marriage is a cage, a cage that prevents you from enjoying this kind of extraordinary sex. This way of thinking makes sense. Marriage (as most would define it) means a lifetime of sex with the same person, so it’s easy to conclude that novelty, variety, adventure, passion, and heat would fade when you’re simply having sex with the same old person for multiple decades. How interesting could such sex really be? “It’s a cage,” the masses seem to cry.
People tell me all kinds of interesting things. I’m a pastor, which means that people tell me their fears, pains, and dreams while I do my best to listen. After listening, I usually have something to say. Recently a guy in his mid-twenties told me his main objection to what I believe (Christianity) and what I have (a nine year-old marriage) is a sexual objection. He feared the cage.
He told me that he liked sex and didn’t want to get married because he was certain he would then have less sex, and not just less sex — lesser sex. Marriage, he feared, would be a cage that would squash his sexual appetite, and sexual fulfillment.
I then asked him the question that nobody ever asks single people or married people: “How often do you have sex? Wait, let me be exact, how many times have you had sex this past year?”
Answer: “Three times.”
In a loud and jovial voice I immediately replied, “I have like 100 times more sex than you do in a year! And it’s all with one woman, a woman who loves me and gets better at sex every time we have it. It’s hot sex!”
The look on his face was a look of surprise and intrigue.
Hollywood leads us to think singles (or married people carrying on affairs) have all the hot sex while married couples have boring sex, or little or no sex. It’s a lie.
Well, it isn’t all a lie. Many marriages are rather sex-less. Passionate, interesting, and refreshing are not the adjectives you’d use to describe what happens in those bedrooms. But, on the whole, my limited exposure and research as a happily married man and extroverted pastor in Silicon Valley is that hot monogamous sex is where it’s at.
Are there singles having passionate, frequent sex? Sure. There are always exceptions — exceptions that prove the rule.
The main thing I’ve got is my story, so I’ll stick to that. For nine years I’ve been having hot monogamous sex. My marriage is not a cage. My wife and I enjoy an imperfect marriage and great sex. We work at it. We love it. My marriage, and our sex, feels like an adventure.
Yes, I’ve been having sex with one woman, the same woman, for nine years. But, on the other hand, I’ve been having sex with a different woman each time.
Marriage isn’t static. A good marriage is dynamic–always changing, a new experience around every corner. A happy marriage involves two dynamic people who are always changing, developing, growing and learning how to better love each other.
The woman I enjoyed sex with on my wedding night still goes by the same name today, but she’s quite different. A lot has changed in nine years. I feel this every week — that I’m a man constantly becoming a new man who shares a bed and everything else with a woman who is a little bit new every morning.
What is sex for? I may answer that question differently than you do. One thing I know is that sex at its best is passionate, interesting, and refreshing, and I believe the place to find such sex is with a faithful and interesting husband or wife.
Marriage isn’t a cage. Marriage is an adventure. Marriage is saying “no” to one freedom (single, three times a year or 100 times a year sex) so that you can say “yes” to a greater freedom (hot monogamous sex).
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