More Damage From Overvaluing Virginity Sex secrets every woman must know

The Damage of Overvaluing Virginity Both Christians, very involved in the church and on the outside seemed happy. I was not shocked when they broke up though, because she had confessed to me their biggest problem: He would not let go of the fact that she was not a virgin. Over and over he brought up that he needed to "mourn what was lost," even though these conversations would often end with her in tears. His fixation on the fact that she had previously had sex, even though she was repentant about this, clouded their relationship. He was devastated when she broke up with him, and could never admit anything he'd done wrong.

There is something seriously wrong with how much he, and so many other Christians, value virginity.

In college, hanging out in my dorm, my Campus Crusade for Christ leader was telling us about how terrified she was on her wedding night. Despite the months she'd spent daily working out and eating next to nothing, she was so petrified of her husband seeing her naked, it'd taken her two glasses of champagne and a bubble bath before she relaxed enough to consummate their marriage. I've heard similar stories of good Christian girls, who'd waited their entire lives to have sex, spend the days and hours leading up to their wedding in a state of panic.

Somehow, I doubt that this is the attitude God wishes us to have about marital sex.

Unlike those girls above, I lost my virginity when I was 19. Despite growing up in a loving Christian home, turning into a young woman who led Bible studies and attended Christian conferences, I messed up and had sex in college. My (worship-leading) then-fiance had convinced me that "in God's eyes, we were already married." Afterwards, when he left to take a shower, I cried for a solid hour, watching from my window as the sun came up. When he unceremoniously broke up me with two months later, I felt both the pain of rejection and the terror that I had ruined my chances of ever marrying a Christian man.

Seven years later, I'm married to an amazing man who has never once made me feel bad about my past. His gracious love led to me see something important; that the most damaging thing from my past was not the sexual sins I've long been forgiven of, but the lies I believed told to me by other Christians.

"Your virginity is your most important gift brought to marriage."

"It's better to get married quickly than risk falling into the temptation of premarital sex."

"If you're not both virgins when you're married, your marriage will suffer for years."

If you are a young man or woman raised in the church, you are told from very early on how important purity is. There is truth in this. 1 Corinthains 6:8 is clear when it commands us to flee sexual immorality, and that is hardly the only verse written on the topic. Personally, I do believe that sex is something that was designed by God for two people in a committed, monogamous marriage-like* relationship. Young Christians who want to follow God's design should wait until they are married. But the fact is that 80 percent of unmarried evangelical adults admit to having had pre-marital sex. Even if that number is flawed or inflated, it's safe to say it's close, and that at the very least more than half of all Christian men and women don't wait until marriage to have sex.Almost every couple has suffered from the occasional not-so-sexy moves which end up turning off the respective partners in bed. But what about the accidental bummers which often happen in the midst of your steamiest sex sessions? From suddenly being compelled to answering nature's call or moaning your past lover's name, these sex shockers are irksome distractions that do not allow you to enjoy the act of passion whole-heartedly. 

 
These circumstantial occurrences during sex may not be very common, but these can happen to you as well. So the next time you find yourself in these embarassing situations, just take a count of the following points... 

Sex with my ex 
Imagine screaming your ex's name, or your secret lover's pet name, just when your partner is about to climax. Damn! It can't get worse than this. "I had an arranged marriage and it was a blunder that I did on my honeymoon. I yelled my ex's name in pleasure and my hubby was very frustrated hearing another man's name. Believe me, we didn't have sex for months, until I convinced him that there's nothing between me and my ex now," shares Deepti Shah (31), who got married last year. 

Such an occurence is likely to make your partner feel estranged, besides injecting a feeling of suspicion in your love life. 

Hot tip: Though fantasies are an essential part of a gratifying sex life, expressing fantasies in such unexpected ways can often put end to your relationship. "A lot of women fantasise about their idol or a past lover while having sex as it turns them on. But it's important to remember that sex is an emotional experience too, so don't appear to be emotionally weak and let your past lover/fantasy hover in your mind space while becoming intimate with your present beau. This causes a discord in your relationship. A combination of prayanam, gym and a job (PGJ) is the best way to keep away from a fertile imagination," suggests Dr. Aruna Broota, clinical psychologist. 

Nature's call 
This blooper is the mother of all sex bummers faced by couples. Often confused with a squirting orgasm, it is related to the pressure applied on the bladder due to sexual stimulation. A problem commonly faced by women, this often leaves the male partner feeling half pleasured. Recalls housewife Pratibha Trivedi, "I often feel like urinating half way through the act and this creates a problem for my man, besides being unhealthy." 

Hot tip: Never force yourself to reach a climax if you're feeling like relieving yourself. "The nerves that are stimulated during an erection are quite close to those of the urinal bladder and sometimes an overlapping can result in urinating during sex. So make sure you have attended nature's call before you gear up for the act of sex. In case there are any other organic problems, certain medications can help deal with them," elucidates Dr. Prakash Kothari, a leading sexologist. 

Oops! I farted 
It may sound like a marginal interruption, but if it comes in the way of pleasure, it's sure to marr the excitement. "It was a horrifying nightmare. I knew my wife had medical implications due to which she suffered gastritis, but it was a highly disturbing when we were sexually engaged and I stopped enjoying sex with her anymore," recalls Ravi Mehra. 

Hot tip: Make sure your digestive system is in place before you indulge in a make out session. "Avoid potatoes, pulses, peas, and bakery items that enhance gas formation (gastritis). Also, we recommend you to consume a digestive pill or opt for a brisk walk after the meal to make the food settle down completely," recommends Dr. Kothari. 

The problem lies in the churches, and many Christians, reaction to this news. Instead of changing the way they address premarital sex, and treating young people with the understanding and forgiveness needed, too many church leaders focus on trying instead to simply get young people to stop having sex. That's been the method for decades, and obviously, it isn't working.

It's not just the people who chose to have sex that these messages fail to help. There is also the large number of women (and some men) who had no choice in losing their virginity. One out of every six women will be the victim or an attempted or completed sexual assault in their lifetime. That's just in the United States. In the Congo alone, 48 women are raped every hour. Every hour. Imagine being one of these women, who made their way into a church service only to have to listen to the pastor give an hour long sermon on sexual purity. Or being a college-aged woman, having endured a sexual assault the year before, listening through countless Bible studies given on why waiting to have sex is the most important thing she can do for her faith. Even the media is obsessed with maintaining the lie that virginity is a Christian's greatest virtue. The hoopla over Olympic athlete Lolo Jones is a perfect example.

While there isn't anything wrong with encouraging young people to wait, there is something wrong when that encouragement is done by telling them how ruined their lives will be, and how much they've "lost" if (and most likely when) they do mess up. Maybe, instead of raising young people to be terrified of sex and the repercussions they'll face if they do mess up, Christian leaders should spend time talking about how amazing it can be when it's within the relationship for which it was intended. I have been on both sides of it, and I can say that sex with my husband is something incredibly different than anything I'd ever experienced before. Sex is both physical and spiritual, and when there is commitment, trust, deep love and intimacy, it becomes something vastly different (and better) than a quick, emotionless encounter. Sharing this truth with young Christians involves a level of transparency and honesty that is desperately needed within the church. Its a lot easier to convince people to wait for something that is wonderful, than warn them against something dangerous and sordid.

The truth is, I do wish I'd waited and "saved myself" for my husband. Every once in awhile I do feel a tinge of sadness that he was able to give himself to me in a way I couldn't give myself to him. But that's all it is, a "tinge." Because I've already been forgiven, and our marriage is so much more than sex. And we're in love for so many more reasons that have nothing to do with sex what so ever. Christian men and women are complex, amazing individuals who have been done a great disservice by being told that the most important thing they can bring to a marriage is virginity. Respect, maturity, integrity, a sense of humor, forgiveness, these are all traits that every happily married person needs. The church needs to be telling young men and women this, as frequently as they tell them how much better sex is within that committed, monogamous relationship.

* I say "marriage-like" since I believe this both for straight or gay Christians, and know that in many places in the world, gay Christians are legally not permitted to wed.

 How God most likely does not want people panicking about impending consummation in the days prior to their wedding day, though this happens to many as she pointed out, and 2) that too many people do not think about how a person who has been raped is likely to hear all the talk about the importance of "sexual purity." The damage done in these two realms is nothing to take lightly.

Yes, I agree that there is something disturbingly wrong with the way so many Christians (and people of various faith traditions) place such a high value on virginity. But it seems to me that describing pre-marital sex with phrases such as "messing up" or failing to "save oneself" all serve to perpetuate the value placed on virginity.

Perhaps we need to look a bit deeper to name the source of the trouble here, which is actually much more than a concern about whether a female has an intact hymen on her wedding night. The source of the issue is, in my and many Christian theologians' opinions, the view of bodies and sexuality in general. All the talk about purity -- variously (un)defined -- focuses predominantly upon females, and throughout faith traditions the main concern is with women's virginity. Thus the main crux of this conversation is actually women's bodies; they are seen as objects to be owned, controlled and adorned properly.

Understandably, many people do decide to turn to the Bible for guidance on this topic. As with most topics, however, one can find biblical passages and stories to back up multiple angles on the issue of sex and sexual encounters. In the New Testament, Paul does encourage sexual relations only within marriage; he simultaneously encourages people to abstain from marriage entirely if they can handle it. In 1 Corinthians 7 he states three or four times that singlehood is to be preferred to that of being married. By the way, this line of thinking lead to some early Christian groups believing that marriage itself is a sin, due to how sex was viewed (for more on this please consult April DeConick's "Holy Misogyny: Why Sex and Gender Conflicts in the Early Church Still Matter").

It also ought to be noted that in Matthew 19 Jesus apparently affirmed his disciples' worried claim, "If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry." In fact, if one can handle it, becoming a eunuch for the sake of the kingdom is even suggested by Jesus in that exchange.

I am not sure, then, how we are best to invoke Paul's or Jesus' advice in the discussion of sex at all. It does strike me as foolishness to quote from one of Paul's letters on this topic, given his outright claim to be single: We do not ask a childless person for advice on parenting, do we?

If we turn to Genesis 2:24, the infamous passage that is foundational for all no-sex-before-marriage claims, what we see is a highly biased choice of wording. It might be more accurate if we read it, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his woman; and they shall become one flesh." It is a choice on the part of the translators to translate ishshah as "woman" in 2:22-23 and as "wife" in verses 24 and 25 and. The only reason to make this shift is because their sexual union is implied, though there is no discussion of marriage. This is perhaps one of the most powerful "lost (or gained) in translation" moments in Scripture, given what it has allowed the Church to claim in terms of the sinfulness of premarital sex. Of course this is bolstered by passages such as Deuteronomy 22:13-21, which says that a marriage is only valid if the woman is a virgin. If she is not, she is to be executed. With this kind of consequence associated with a woman's, but not a man's, virginity, it is no wonder that traditions influenced by biblical ideals place such "value" on virginity, disproportionately more focused on females. Additionally, given the numerous times men in the bible have non-consensual sex with women, it becomes very difficult to suggest that there are biblical standards on this topic worth imitating today.

But all these dissections of biblical passages keep us from dealing with the deeper issues, still.

Consider looking at the topic from this perspective: sexuality is a part of being human. Sexuality is a component of love and intimacy. It is a part of what we are wired to engage in and enjoy. As with anything that can affect our health and wholeness I do not endorse abusing it, but when engaged in respectfully and responsibly it is a good thing. Silencing the conversation and communication about mutual, pleasurable, responsible sex is absolutely detrimental to people, and many will confirm that it is detrimental to intimate love relationships.

Consider how every time we talk about sex and sexuality in dualistic terms -- as either right or wrong in whatever form -- we are controlling others' experience of it instead of being interested in their well-being. One might want to consult teenage pregnancy rates in this country, and note that the highest rates overlap with "Bible belt" regions. Coincidence?

When we label sex according to whether it is "pre-marital" or not we perpetuate the fallacy that "normal" sex only happens within a marriage and is the only form of "legitimate" sex. There is an affirmation that being married is best for all people because that is when a person is finally complete as a human, now able to have sex. Additionally, "it is better to marry than to burn with passion" has led to countless marriages between young people who have not been taught how to maturely handle their passions.

And suggesting that being "sexually pure" is the greatest thing a person brings to her or his partner in their marriage? This actually says that sexual intercourse is a form of ownership of the other person. It says that "purity" is about who gets to lay claim to you, which is the quintessential way of objectifying a person.

I think it is time to lose the shaming language too often used in this conversation, and to reframe how we think of, talk about and value sex altogether.

Here are five sex secrets that may help you understand and get even closer to your guy... 

Men are full of surprises and bedroombehaviour is no exception. While it's impossible to explain all male behaviours, here are five sex secrets that may help you understand and get even closer to your guy.

He's nurses the fear that he'll let you down 
Men feel tremendous pressure to perform sexually. While women aren't waiting formarriage to have sex, and that means they are far more relaxed in the bedroom. Sexually satisfied role models, like Madonna and the 'Sex and the City' sirens, encourage urban women to be open about their sexual desires and complaints. These liberated women to cause some trouble for their male partners. Suddenly, the pressure to perform is on, and he can't help but feel like he has to please you. Even though you may not be so bothered about his performance and you might forgive him for a few poor performances, he has a hard time forgiving himself. It's really tough on him.

Warning: 
If your man has a recurring problem of performance, he may start to blame you to protect his ego. Be prepared to handle this situation.

What you can do: 
Don't take it personally or, worse, insult him. And never laugh! Just pretend that it is no great deal for you.

Men need validation to get their groove on 
Sex is a source of power from ages, and it gives proof that one is masculine. To a man, having sex means that he can move a woman, that he's energetic, a provider and a lover. Basically, your guy wants to be a superhero, and he certainly wants you to see him in that light. When he satisfies you sexually, he feels like superman. If you're enjoying yourself, let him know that. He'll love you for your compliments.

Warning 
No encouragement means no fun. Whether you are enjoying yourself or not, just be encouraging.

What you can do 
A good rule of thumb: Don't fake it but don't fight it. Just look happy and satisfied and that would make your man feel super.

Men don't like waiting too long 
Women should never hold out to have sex simply because of the so called rules of dating. He is more likely to commit if there is a sexual component to the relationship, and it is important for him to know that you find him sexually desirable.

Warning 
If your guy is offended when you initiate sex, get rid of him.

What you can do 
We're all sensual beings; we might as well be who we are. So don't be afraid to make a move.

Men too are conscious about their bodies 
Let's face it: Men may not worry about weight nearly as much as women do, but they do have their own image issues.

Warning 
Most men are quite concerned about their general physical condition, height and baldness. In other words, they are hoping for mood lighting in the bedroom just as much as women are.

What you can do 
Help your man by telling him that you find him attractive and showing him affection.

Most men will not forgive a cheating girlfriend 
Men who have been betrayed, especially in the bedroom, are far less likely to forgive their partners than women in the same situation.

Warning 
Men want loyalty at all cost.

What you can do 
Show your loyalty not only by remaining faithful when in a committed relationship, but also by supporting your man in front of colleagues and friends and defending him when necessary. This allegiance will make your man more secure and will give him the motivation to let loose in the bedroom with you. Men want commitment just as much as women do; they just want it packaged differently.